Laughing at the G

geocities humour

Top Ten
'C' Program to Run The Big G
Bastard GeoCities Sysadmin From Hell (incomplete)

Ed. note: for some background (why all the "incompetent programmers" references?) see The Adforce Virus. For more background (why all the censorship/harassment/lawyers/Adolf Hitler/Mob/jack-booted thug references?) see HitlerCities and my own GeoCensor List. For "What/Who is Queen Of Rain" see here.

What do you get when you cross Albert Einstein and a GeoProgrammer?
Brain damage.

How many GeoProgrammers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Depends, did it come with an instruction manual?
How many Geo disgruntled ex-members does it take to forward all 'private' CL chats directly to all Geo advertisers?
Dunno, but somebody better start working on that search bug and PRONTO...
How long does it take to forward all CL chats to the advertisers?
Bill has a T1.
How many members of GeoManagement does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Forget light bulbs, they're too busy screwing the 'steaders...
How many 'steaders does it take to change a light bulb?
None, 'steaders are forbidden to see the light... (it would of course be a TOS violation!)
How many lawsuit threats does it take to shut up a disgruntled ex-'steader?
MMmmph grf hmmmr hvmmrmph...
How many "fair use" parody logos does it take to piss off a GeoLawyer?
404 Not Found
How many threats from the pissed-off GeoLawyer does it take to cow an ISP?
See previous.
How many MP3s and pornographic pictures does it take to get a GeoCities TOS violation?
Well, as long as they don't criticise Geo or an advertiser... 
What's the difference between a GeoProgrammer and a rock?
Rocks get paid less
Why did the 'steader cross the road?
A1: Lawyers
At Geo headquarters, why is there a hole in the wall?
GeoMark didn't get his doughnut today...
Why did the Geo server crash?
A GeoProgrammer was driving.
Why did the GeoProgrammer fail his urine test?
Didn't study hard enough
Why did the Geo critic cross the road?
The wind blew
How do you pick up a Geo critic?
With a Dustbuster
How many GeoMarks does it take to change a light bulb?
That information is classified.
How do you pick up a GeoMark?
This is a very competitive business...We cannot divulge that information.
How many GeoProgrammers does it take to put batteries in a flashlight?
We'll look into it.
How long until GestapoCities finds out you've been criticising them?
Our Guidelines and Member Terms Of Service (TOS) have been carefully constructed...
What is GeoProgrammerMath?
2+2=71 for very large values of 2...
What is GeoAdVisitInflationCountMath?
5 clickthroughs * 10 'steaders = 5^10 ad impressions for very deep-pocketed and/or naive advertisers...
How did David Boneheadt meet his death?
Heart attack while trying to catch a Brinks truck
What do you call a 50-megaton nuke aimed at GestapoCities headquarters?
A sigh of relief (esp. where GeoCritics are involved)
How did the 'watermark' get its name?
A1: No 'steader can see one without getting PISSed..
A2: It makes CLs wanna Beat the piss out of GeoSomebody
What's a CL's favourite position?
With their noses stuck squarely up Geo's...
How many GeoDevelopers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Please tell us your bulb make,model,serial number, the type of lamp you are using, the time you experienced the lightbulb malfunction, and anything you might have done to cause the error.
What do you get when you cross GeoManagement and a skunk?
Fired! You don't cross GeoManagement.


Top Ten Reasons Being A CL Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be...
10) Your site gets 50 hits a day, but they're all from
9) There's only so much fun you can have with Geopoints...
8) Warez pages don't get dleeted because all Geo's resources are devoted to harassing its offsite critics instead...
6) No matter how many times you report it, that damn porn site never seems to get deleted...
5) All that 'Heil!'-ing wears out your arm
4) Talking to yourself gets boring after a while
3) The 'NCA' (Non Criticism Agreement) 
2) The only thing you can see is the inside of an ass...
1) Chapped Lips!

/* GeoCities Main Control Script              */
/* Copyright (c) 1998 GeoProgrammer           */
/*                                            */
/* GeoProgrammer's Note: This code is buggy   */
/*   as Hell. If Geo would spend its millions */
/*   hiring more programmers and less         */
/*   lawyers....                              */
/*                                            */

#include <GeoLegal.h>
#include <bureaucracy.h>
#include <greed.$>
#include <lies.h>
#include <damned_lies.h>
#include <Queen_of_Rain.mp3>
#exclude <morality.h>

#declare 2+2=5
#declare Defamation=*

void GeoManagement (void)
{ /* void,void: This function returns nothing and accepts no input */

  var homesteader=WRONG;

  /* handle complaints */
  if (complaint_received==TRUE)
    { if complaint.origin==HOMESTEADER
        { ingnore(complaint);

      elseif complaint.origin==ADVERTISER
 { kowtow(ADVERTISER);
     { deleteHomesteaderSite(address,Immediately);, "The requested site has been deleted.");
   elseif advertiser.complaintOf=="AdForce Error"
     { sendmail(ADVERTISER, "We're working on it."||"We'll look into it");

      elseif complaint.origin==GEOPLUSMEMBER
 { feign.Sincerity;
   sendmail(GeoPlusMemberEmailAdress, "We're working on it."||"We'll look into it");
    } /* end complaint handler */

  /* do what GeoManagement does best */

  for (k=0,k>9999999999;k++) {  doNothing();  }

  if (StarcaftInstalled==TRUE)
    { playGamesOnCompanyTime(Starcraft) }
  elseif (QuakeInstalled==TRUE)
    { playGamesOnCompanyTime(Quake) }
  elseif (AllElseFails==TRUE)
    { playGamesOnCompanyTime(MineSweeper) }

} /* end GeoManagement */

lawsuits GeoStapo (websites)
  { /* Input for function GeoStapo() is websites, output is lawsuits. */

      { WebCrawl(); WebSearch(Infoseek|Altavista|Yahoo|Lycos|OracleCorporateSecurity, "GeoCities criticism");
      } while GeoCriticFound==FALSE  /* Loop ends when a GeoCritic is discovered. */

    harass(GeoCritic); harass(GeoCritic.InternetProviderOf);

    /* Now we decide what we'll get 'em for... select something randomly */


    switch (Offense)
      {  case 1: {Offense="Defamation";}
         case 2: {Offense="Trademark Infringement";}
         case 3: {Offense="Trademark Dilution";}
         case 4: {Offense="Copyright Infringement";}
         case 5: {Offense="Impermissible Opinion";}
         case 6: {Offense="Libel";}
         case 7: {Offense="We don't NEED a reason! We're GeoCities!!";}

    response=ThreatenLegalAction(GeoCritic, Offense);

    if (response==0)
      { ThreatenLegalAction(GeoCritic.InternetProviderOf, Offense); }

    return (lawsuit);
  } /* End function GeoStapo() */

ThreatenLegalAction (TargetOfLawsuitThreat,Offense)
  { char LegalOffenses[300]; long int NumberOfThreatsMade; long double HowMuchMoneyWellSueYouForIfOurDemandsAreNotMet;
    /* Compose the bogus legal threat */

    /* Intro (and shameless self-plug)*/
    "We write on behalf of GeoCities. As you are may know, GeoCities is one of the leading Internet hosts on the World Wide Web"

    if (Offense=="Trademark Infringement")
      { ", and is the owner of the GEOClTIES trademark. As you may know, GeoCities has devoted extensive resources to protecting and promoting the GEOCITIES trademark..." }
      { "." }

    if (Offense=="Copyright Infringement") #include CopyrightThreat.h;
    if (Offense=="Impermissible Opinion") #include ThoughtPolice.h;
    if (Offense=="Defamation"||"Libel") #include DontCriticiseUsOrElse.h;
    if (Offense=="We don't need a reason!") #include PostARetractionOrGeoVinnieWillComeToYourHouseAndBreakYourThumbs.h;
    if (ISP.Contacted==TRUE)
      { "Representatives of GeoCities have previously contacted you to express concern over a web site hosted by your company, %s (the "Site"). Representatives of GeoCities have also spoken directly with the proprietor of this site, %s",URLOfCriticSite,NameOfCriticSiteAuthor }

    if (LegalThreat.1st.IgnoredByISP)
      { /* Make up an impressive-sounding list of violations, using combinations of bogus offenses #1-7 above, and use these as leverage to make the critic sound like a chronically-lawbreaking Antichrist while making ourselves and our bogus legal threat sound more important */
        "We believe that %s has clearly gone beyond what is lawful in a number of areas,
including, but not limited to, the following:
         - Trademark infringement, through use of the GEOCITIES trademark as part of the name of the site, and use of the GEOCITIES mark in a trademark sense throughout the Site;

         - Unfair competition, through linking the Site to GeoCities suggesting that GeoCities somehow affiliated with the Site; and
         - Defamation, through the publication suggesting information which is neither truthful nor within the realm of permissible opinion.
Now that you are aware of %s unlawful activities related to the Site, you must understand that your continued facilitation of the Site could subject you and your company to liability for its failures to take action. Since the entire Site is premised on an infringement of GEOCITIES mark, we suggesting that you take down the Site.

We would appreciate your taking immediate action with respect to the Site, and ask that you send us a letter confirming your action by the close of business on %s." ,NameOfCritic,NameOfCritic,DateWeSueYourAss;

    if (LegalThreat.1st.IgnoredByCritic)
      { "GeoCities efforts to deal reasonably with %s have met with resistance and unwarranted belligerance, and in fact, retaliation. GeoCities tried to politely advise %s regarding GeoCities' own legal obligation to not allow criticism of its company. " ,NameOfCritic,NameOfCritic;

          { "In response, %s chose to publish the confidential e-mail [bogus legal threat] GeoCities sent to %s. Such activities, in themselves represent conduct which is unlawful." ,NameOfCritic,NameOfCritic;
    /* Now close the letter */

    "This letter is sent without waiving any of GeoCities' rights or remedies in this matter, all of which are expressly reserved.

    We look forward to hearing from you.

    Very truly yours,
    %s" , NameOfBastardLitigatorHarassingCritic;

    /* and send the completed threat */
    sendmail(LegalThreat,Critic); sendmail(LegalThreat,Critic.InternetProviderOf);

  } /* end function ThreathenLegalAction() */

  { */ First, Nuke it! */

    /* Compose deletion notice */
     if (Violation.RetaliationForHomesteaderComplaint)
       {  #include thankyouforyourfeedback.txt /* This part may have to be written by hand, or copy-pasted from the "complaints" script include. */
          if (complaint.instanceOf("Advertising"||"GeoGuide"||"GeoPop"||"Watermark"))
            { "In order for GeoCities to continue to provide free web pages, email, tech support and all of our other  services to our members, it is necessary for us to  sell advertising on our site. We hope that you will support GeoCities in its efforts to continue to provide our services to you free of charge. "

     "Our guidelines and Members Terms of Service (TOS) have been carefully crafted to promote the free flowing exchange of ideas about your interests, activities, and hobbies, and at the same time maintain standards consistent with the Internet community and the societies of the world at large."

     if (Violation.deletion="Files")
       { "We appreciate your support and participation with GeoCities, however, some of your files were inconsistent with our current guidelines or TOS and have been deleted.  Please do not repost them."
     elseif (Violation.deletion="Entire Site")
       { "We appreciate your support and participation with GeoCities, however, your site was inconsistent with our current guidelines or TOS and has been removed from GeoCities."
     /* Close the letter */

     "We encourage you to review the guidelines and TOS at:  

      Thank you,  

      GeoCities Community Response Team"
  } /* end function deleteHomesteaderSite() */

excuses GeoQueenofRain (complaints)
  { int excuse#; string ExcusesArray[10]={"We're working on it", "We'll look into that.", "I have passed your request onto %s", "I cannot give you that information.", "It's a secret.", Your post has been deleted because %s", "We'll ramp that up by next week, I promise.", "No.", "Hell no.", "That's not funny."}
    return (excuses);

void MAIN (void)
  { /* Call 'em all and let God sort 'em out */
    /* Nah, on second thought, just call GeoManagement and see what gets done. */

  } /* end MAIN */
/* end of program */