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from M. Doyle, US History teacher

Two eggs a talking in a monastary. "I really don't like it here," says one.
"Why not?"
"Well, you know, it's always 'Out of the frying pan and into the friar'."

"Do you know what I like about Thanksgiving jokes? Not a single joke is a turkey."

A boy was complaining that his bicycle tire was flat. "Why don't you pump it up?", said his father
So the boy attaches a pump and begins filling the tire, then stops. "I just can't do it," says the boy. "I can't stand the pressure!"

What is a frog's favorite thing to order at a restaurant? French Flies!

A group of guys were playing golf when a funeral procession drove by. One golfer took off his hat until the procession had passed, and when he was commended for his sincere actions he replied, "It was the least I could have done, today was going to be our 25th anniversary."

Why did the bubble gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

A guy was sitting in a nearly empty bar having some beers. He finished one and asked the bartender for another. He gave the guy another beer, along with a free bowl of peanuts. As he sat enjoying the nuts and beer, he heard a voice: "Whoa, man, do you look great today!" He looked around, but there was no one there.
"Nice shoes. And I just love that sweater, it looks so good on you!"
Bartender, did you hear that? I keep hearing voices saying how good I look and stuff, but there's no one around. What's going on here??
"It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

Why did the Christmas goose cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken!

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

A guy walked into the doctor's office complaining of stomach pains. "Doctor, you've gotta help me. I swallowed a clock!"
"My, that's serious. When did this happen?", asks the doc.
"Last week."
"Last week?! Why didn't you come in sooner?"
"Well," says the guy, "I didn't want to alarm anybody."

What did the mirror say to the dresser? "I can see your drawers."

Why did a bunch of people fall out of a piece of furniture when someone took it apart? It was a missing persons bureau!

What did one side of the pants say to the other? "Let's split."

Why did the man go into the business of writing soap operas? He wanted to make a clean living.