The HitlerCities World Report
The HitlerCities World Report
WRITTEN ON AND TRANSMITTED TO YOU FROM THE CEO'S
PALM PILOT ... IN CANCUN.
THE HITLERCITIES WORLD REPORT
Vol 5. No. 1
IN THIS ISSUE:
Princess Geo Is Wearing A New Dress
Name That G
Our 1000th Legal Threat!
We Just Wrote A Book, And All Members Are Required
To Buy It
Our Forum Moderator Has No Sense Of Humor
Pornographers Are Comin' To Town
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PRINCESS GEO IS WEARING A NEW DRESS
We have a new GeoLook! Repeat, we have a new GeoLook!
Because we value our publicitymembers so much, we've completely
redesigned our index.html page and redid our name logo so as to infringe
upon the copyrights of this parody site's bi-color
logo! The massive redesign of our homepage began on Jan 2, 1998 at an initial
expense of $3.3 billion dollars, when we outsourced the project to a Japanese
firm. They've radically overhauled our homepage for a clean, impersonal
fresh-from-the-dentist-chair refreshing look! Some have said that the new
design looks like it belongs in a toothpaste commercial ...but those persons
have been taken care of.
We've also set a team of hundreds of professional
image developers to create a completely from-scratch, unique, precisely
identifying symbol of everything we stand for. It represents the gaiety,
the death-defying exhilaration, the freespirited joyfulness of being a
part of the HitlerCities community! Over 300 graphical artists were involved
in the production of this monolithic innovation of a logo! ...even if it
does look suspiciously like an ordinary letter of the alphabet in a serif
TrueType font. The new logo has been compatibility-tested and analyzed
by over three dozen psychologists, graphics professionals and outside Japanese
firms, and only cost us $1.5 million dollars to produce. Finally, we have
a new, stylized name! It's still the same ugly "HitlerCities" word that
invokes images of harassment and 'net-wide fascist censorship and cyberstalking...but
now, instead of plain black, it's blue and green! We just couldn't stand
a stupid parody site having more colors in our
name than we do.
Many readers have written in to point out that, though
they really appreciate the millions we spent on having our new logo, such
substantial funds could have been better spent on server upgrades, a decent
backup system (what? you ingrate homesteaders have NO respect for 80-column
punchcards!), and hiring a competent programmer to fix all those glitches
and severe bugs in our scripts. (You know...the ones that cause fullscreen
popups, porno banners appearing on member pages, blank pages, daughter
popups, Java errors, the AdFarce Virus...) We stand by our position that,
as far as enhancing our service goes, our new logo is far superior to any
server upgrade, tech support, regular backups or programming fixes. So,
be sure to look to HitlerCities for all your toothpas--er, web hosting
needs!
NAME THAT G
Now that we've shelled out all of your hard-earned
dollars on an extravagant new logo, we also had to shell out more to another
consulting firm to come up with a name for it. After significant outlay
and weeks and weeks of thinking, they've finally come up with a new name
for our logo... "The Little G"! We will also be paying $100 to the homesteader
that wrote in to suggest this name the week before we hired those professional
logo-namers.
OUR 1000th LEGAL THREAT
Yet another milestone for HitlerCities! Our legal
team has just surpassed a landmark 1000 lawsuits filed against company
critics. A few more and we'll have those Scientologists almost beat! So,
all current HC Critics are encouraged to post contact information such
as home phone number, fax, street address, etc. (anything we can use to
direct a summons or TRO at you) prominently on their homepages. We want
to try for 2000!
WE JUST WROTE A BOOK, AND ALL MEMBERS ARE REQUIRED
TO BUY IT
Yes folks, we just wrote a book! It's called "How
To Write A Complacent, Politically-Correct Uncontroversial Homepage That
Won't Get Deleted", and has already sold 1.4 million copies. Ah-ah-ah...
before you even think about not buying this book, do yourself a
favor and read the latest edition of our TOS! As you may know, we rewrite
it about every week or so when we decide to expand our own powers or further
restrict our members' activities. Yesterday, we made it a requirement that
all homesteaders buy the book or have their accounts deleted. Bear in mind
that any member who gets their account deleted is automatically added to
our Shit List and ISP Blacklist, and may receive visits from our very own
S.S. Department! Sooo... I'd get that credit card out if I were you.
OUR FORUM MODERATOR HAS NO SENSE OF HUMOR
Starting last week, if anyone expresses a complaint
or negative opinion about our company, or raises any valid concern that
we can't (or don't want to) satisfactorily answer, they will be banned
from the forum! To make this OK with our TOS, an "off-topic" message stating
that the poster's message was inappropriate for the forum will be uploaded
in its place. Any further attempts by the same person to post more messages
will result in an extension of the ban and possible legal action (not to
mention the occasional Winnuke). This policy has been put into effect because
our current forum moderator is on the Rag.
PORNOGRAPHERS ARE COMIN' TO TOWN
Brace yourselves, for another family-friendly innovation
from HitlerCities! We have installed porno banners on all of our search
pages! These tasteless ads are well within our Content Guidelines, because
they are making us money. (Please note that such material is unacceptable
for HitlerCities homesteads.) Our goal at HitlerCities is to provide a
family-friendly atmosphere, which is why after seeing and clicking on one
of our porno banners, your children will have to click on a link saying
they're 21 before they can see another one. See? We are completely Family-oriented!
So, if someone you know questions our family friendly atmosphere... be
sure to send them to teensluts.com to dispel these doubts.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
STUFF YOU NEED TO KNOW
Want to give us kudos on our new logo? <Compliments
Forum> (yes, our moderator is still on the Rag.)
Has your homestead's disk crashed and you need to
retrieve your 80-column punch cards? <Complaint
Department>
Having trouble swallowing all of this bullshit? One
of our Representatives should be able to... <sinister laughter>...help
you out.
Want to bitch about stuff, or need help with your
homestead? Go <www.pissedoff.com>
here. We don't read our own help forums, so what makes you think we'll
read theirs?
Want to look for that new buy-books requirement in
our TOS? It's all <here>. You may not ever find
it, because it (like most of the TOS) is written between the lines, where
it's all white and you need Superman's x-ray eyes to see it. (Note: If
the space between the lines is gray, you're using a 3.x browser that doesn't
support our advertising, and WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE! You have 24 hours. Better
upgrade before our goons get there!)
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HitlerCities
You Are Why We Are Here