The Original
Bastard Geo From Hell
(Still a work in progress)

Part 10: "Mark in the Dark"

It's been a slow day. No 'steader lusers to torment, no new critics to harass off their ISPs, no Starcraft against those flakes in the Microsoft building. I must not be the only one with nothing to do, I looked in and saw GeoCEO doing actual work today. Thought I'd do him a favor and spice things up with a random network outage or two. Passed the time by going on safari in the building. 
Saw a deadly poisonous killer snake, grey and about 50 ft. long winding through our server room. Hacked it up into little pieces so it couldn't hurt anybody. Weirdest killer snake I ever saw, looked just like 10/100 Ethernet thickwire... 
Being the Bastard Geo From Hell means doing something about slow days. 

It's been a slow day for everybody, I guess. Saw GeoThom with a mischievous grin on his face, headed down to the basement with the bulk-eraser. Hm, must be backup month. 

Being the Bastard Geo From Hell means NOT doing something to stop the imminent destroyage of the annual backup. 

A little while later I walked down to the computer room where I saw the server techs, in typical server tech fashion, jibing each other about their digitally-challenged progenitors: 

"Oh yeah? Your mama's so computer-illiterate, she thought Ethernet was a lesbian chatroom..." Tech C 

"...Well YOUR mama's so computer-illiterate she thought VxD's were sexually transmitted!" Tech A 
I walked in to see what they were NOT doing with their time. 
"Hey there techs, how's it going?" BGFH 
"Baaad." Techs 
"Why bad?" BGFH 

"GeoCEO narfed Quake off all the drives again. How the hell does he keep finding it?" Tech A 
"Well, what was the filename?" BGFH 
"Quake.exe" Techs 
A-DUH!! Lusers. "Don't you know how to use RENAME?" BGFH 
"RENAME? what's that?..." Techs 
"Never mind, just reinstall it..." BGFH (Walking away muttering to self) "God, now I know why I get so many 'steader emails about incompetent admins around here..." 
Fearing GeoCEO going after his Starcraft installation next, the Bastard Geo From Hell went back to his office and decided to set up a little distraction to keep the head cheese busy (e.g. off his back) for a while longer. *Ring Ring Ring* "Hello, is this GeoCEO? Yeah, this is the sysadmin. The server techs have figured out how to use RENAME. Repeat, the server techs have RENAME." BGFH 
"*Gasp* The server techs are becoming computer-literate?? I thought we were holding them in a state of protective stupidity." GeoCEO 
"No, that's the 'steaders. Anyway, the techs have Quake on the drives again. They renamed it to LOGIN--that's L-O-G-I-N. Be sure to sweep that file off every drive in the place." BGFH 
"Allright, thanks BGFH, I'll do that right away." *Click* GeoCEO 
"Heh heh heh." BGFH 

And now, I think I'll nuke me a burrito... 
* * * Meanwhile, in the server room * * * 
"...Is that so?!? Well... Your Windoze NT is so buggy,..." Tech C 
*Interrupt* "Hold up, I'm hungry. You guys wanna nuke some burritos?" Tech B 
The other two techs answered in the affirmative in the usual server-tech way: 
"0x01" Techs A,C 

Tech B popped a burrito in the microwave, and set it to POWER NUKE. 

* * * Meanwhile, in GeoCEO's office * * * 
"Gee I'm hungry. I think I'll make some popcorn..." 
* * * Meanwhile, in GeoBasement * * * 
"I was wondering..." GeoBasementBum 
"Yea?" GeoJanitor, nuking hamburger 
"How many watts is this mainline?" GeoBasementBum (pointing to power line leading upstairs) 
"1000 Watts." GeoJanitor 
"How many watts are these here microwaves?" GeoBasementBum 
"Eh, 500." GeoJanitor 
"So, what would happen if everybody was using their microwave at once?" GeoBasementBum 
"That's impossible. Statistically, there's nothing to worry abou..." GeoJanitor 

"Darkness. The last refuge of shadows. A darkness of foreboding, forsaking and foreshadowing. A darkness of utmost literary significance. A kind of darkness that symbolized every...." Narrator
"Bill! Shut up and get on with it!" GeoJanitor 
"Righto." Narrator 
"This is bad. Very, very bad. Very, VERY bad. A deep kind of bad, a bad that serves as a constant allegorical reminder of the utmost futility of life as we know...." GeoBasementBum 
"SHUDDUP! Bill, now see what you've done!?" GeoJanitor 
"Sorry." Narrator 

"What's so bad? So the servers are down for a few minutes. Big deal. The Geos will still litter all over the floor. Those slobs'll ALWAYS need a janitor. How does it affect me?" GeoJanitor 

"You're forgetting--Geo Queen of Rain! If we don't get these lights back on FAST he may go completely postal. FIX THE LIGHTS!" GeoBasementBum 

* * * Meanwhile, back upstairs * * * 

"I just saw him! He was headed to the supply closet with some rope and a footstool." BGFH 
Quickly GeoCEO organised an intercept of Geo Queen of Rain. 

"Quickly now: Lisa, you and I will head down this hallway after him. Techs, you try to head him off from the other way. Thom, get the roof in case he decides to jump instead... and GeoShrink, have the Thorazine ready!" GeoCEO 
The BGFH, having ducked behind a door at the first hint of GQoR-finding work, was nowhere to be seen. He emerged to hear shouts and scuffling from behind the supply closet door. A few moments later, more shouting and swearing. 
"It was hilarious! You should've been there. He was all ready to pay a permanent visit to the great null device in the sky, just seconds away from noosing his ass to oblivion...and GeoThom breaks the door down. GQoR gets startled, falls off his footstool and chins himself on the bar instead. You shoulda seen the swelling!" Tech B 
GeoShrink's office door opens and GQoR emerges, bandaged and heavily drugged. 

"GQoR, you don't look so hot. Are you allright?" BGFH 
"He just got done with his electroshock treatments. He may not be his usual self for a while..." GeoShrink 
"My words are trite, tho' not rehearsed; 
Today I only speak in verse." GQoR 

"OK now this is getting too weird. I'm outta here!" BGFH, heading for the door 
"Don't forget about our court appearance tomorrow." GeoCEO 
"Yeah, I'll be there." BGFH 
GQoR stands on a table and starts yapping as the BGFH leaves... 
"Here's to the ad that never dies 
The faster you close it the harder it tries 
Brands and promotions and trademark names 
Lies and deceptive advertiser claims 
And all the soap this side of Hell 
Won't wash away that fishy smell 
Uncontrollable GeoUnholy terrors 
Causing browser crashes and Java errors 
But I'm rolling in money so it can't be that bad 
Here's to the Geo popup ad! Gentlemen a toast!" 


Page Eleven

Bastard Geo From Hell ©1999 Bill Webb. It may be redistributed, but not for profit, so long as appropriate credit is given.