The Original
Bastard Geo From Hell
(Still a work in progress)

Part 13: "A Square Dies"

 -- In the computer room --

"...The W3C is NOT going to be happy." Tech A
"Bugger the W3C." Tech B
*The CEO busts in wearing a big shit-eater grin*

"Hey guys, our results are in...Our new Adsquare was met with overwhelmingly positive feedback!" GeoCEO
"Impossible." Bastard Rookie In Training 2 (now the new BGFH)
"Possible. Practical. True." GeoCEO, grinning wide enough to take a semi trailer orally.

"Remember how we 'updated' the public opinion forums so that they required everybody's GeoCities username and password? There are still some morons who criticise our decisions, even after typing in their own login. And they KNOW their IPs are being logged... Sheesh." Tech B
"Yesterday, delete the anti-Adsquare sentiments and revoke those accounts... today delete protest sites...tomorrow do a <NOSCRIPT> grep and kick THOSE out... then a quick email scan, remove a few more... and see? Overwhelmingly positive feedback!" Tech A

"You'd be surprised how supportive they get after a few letters from our lawyers..." Tech C
"For those of us who missed the meeting yesterday (what could *possibly* be more important than a 3:00 Half-Life tourney?), how exactly does this AdSquare thingie work?" New BGFH

"Here, have a look..." Tech A
Tech A loads the Adsquare demo into the new BGFH's browser, which crashes instantly.
"What the hell, friggin Unix, I thought it was supposed to be more stable!" New BGFH
"It is. Only your *browser* crashed. Don't ask what happens if you try to view it under Windows..." Tech A
"There's about a 1 in 7 chance of it displaying properly." Tech C, loading the browser again. Miraculously, the Adsquare loads on only the second try. When the New BGFH scrolls the page, the Adsquare shakes violently, scrolls itself down and reasserts its position at the top corner of the browser window. After a few seconds of not being clicked on, the ad makes annoying noises and begins swirling around the page.

"Is this normal AdSquare behaviour?" New BGFH
"Er, yes and no. This is our Adsquare 2.0, which deploys next week. The current version just pops up the Blue Screen of Death when clicked on."
"Even on Debian?!" New BGFH
"Yeah... took a lot of coding to make it do that, too!" Tech C, smirking deviantly

"OK, at least lemme have a look at your code." New BGFH
"It's our finest coding so far. 24KB of JavaScript, and another 47KB of 'ancillary coding'." Tech B

"Ancillary...?" New BGFH

</noscript></noscript>..." Tech B

"Having problems with homesteaders not liking it, eh?" New BGFH
"Not anymore." Tech B

-- Meanwhile, the OLD (fired) Bastard (Ex-) Geo From Hell, hiding out by a terminal at the public library (the last place a Geo goon would ever be), has seen the evil Adsquare and intends to Do Something About It... --

"Ok, connected to, quick scan..." BxGFH
Being the Bastard (Ex-) Geo From Hell means bringing fun network tools with you, wherever you go.

"Woo-hoo! Sendmail 4.0!" BxGFH

"I take it that's a good thing." Onlooker (you see, after about a thousand crashes, library patrons don't like the AdSquare either.)

"Time me." BxGFH
*Clickety clickety clic clickety clik*
"Whoa, you've got root?" Onlooker 2
*click* "Seven seconds." Onlooker
"Damn I'm good."
Being the Bastard Geo From Hell means you're damn good.

-- The AdSquare has just been hacked to death by a quite disgruntled Bastard (Ex-) Geo From Hell and several dozen disgruntled library patrons. However, the *new* BGFH could not be bothered with such niggling details, having his own business to attend to... --

*Ring Ring Ring*

Rule Numero Uno: You do NOT call the Bastard Rookie In Training (2) during his lunch break.

(In a bored voice) "Hello, computer room..." New BGFH

"Yeah, there seems to be some kind of network outage down here in Accounting..."
Great, we can use one less bean counter... 
"Really? Oh, dear..." New BGFH, absentmindedly twiddling one end of a cable marked "Accounting" in his fingers
" anyway, can you help me out at all..."
The new BGFH flips his excuse book to today's date.
"Yeah, there seems to be an unusally high sunspot activity caused by El Nino this year; the coronal charges are through the roof."
There is an almost audible *click* as the luser enters >Dummy Mode<.

"Oh." Accounting
"You've probably got a lot of the charges accumulating in your BIOS," nBGFH continues. "Now, you see the extra set of three holes on the back of your power supply? The two up-and-down slots are for the BIOS and the motherboard, and the round one is ground. Now, just take a paperclip and bend it into a W, and use it to discharge the BIOS and motherboard through the ground."

"OK, got the clip bent...sticking the big end into the ground hole..."
"So far so good" nBGFH

"OK, now I'm sticking the two little ends--"
Now, they don't pay that close attention when I tell them not to call during my lunch hour, but they're VERY attentive when they need something...
Shame when they listen too well, isn't it?


Page Fourteen

Bastard Geo From Hell ©1999 Bill Webb. It may be redistributed, but not for profit, so long as appropriate credit is given.