The Original
Bastard Geo From Hell
(Still a work in progress)

Part Three: "TOS Awareness Day"

    11:00 AM 
You'll notice I've got my times back. I smuggled in a pocket watch without Geo noticing. Which was not as easy as it sounds. I guess once you make it past the strip search you're in the clear... 

    11:05 AM 
Still having trouble sitting down. Oh, the price I pay for smuggling in a watch. Of course you know where I had to put it where Geo wouldn't notice...ever see "Pulp Fiction"? Or that one "South Park" (I downloaded the realvideo file using Geo's bandwidth) starring the alien probe...Now I know how Cartman felt. 

    11:17 AM 
Began training sessions for my protégé, the new Bastard Rookie In Training who I'll get to do my work for me while I'm playing and/or asleep. Now I'll have more time to delete members with reckless abandon and be an A--hole! And stalk Geo critics! Life is sweet. 

    11:36 AM 
Checked my email. Why now and not right when I got here? Number one: Rodent's Revenge for Windows. Number two: Slurp-us Direct spams. That's all I ever get these days. When I told my Bastard-Rookie-In-Training to sell all the members' info and send me the profits, I forgot to tell him to remove my email address first! Damn it damn it damn it. Should've posted my pornographic site somewhere OFF GeoCities. How many times do I have to tell those @#$% server techs not to play with the code to see how many random errors they can create?!? Anyway, sent a complaint to SlurpusDirect to see where that won't get me. Forged the headers so that when SlurpusDirect forwards it to the GeoStapo for tracerouteing and legal harassment of the sender, my account won't get deleted for it. As far as Geo accounts go, it's more fun to quit than be fired anyway. Planning to leave a signpost there for three years. 

    11:39 AM 
Got a tersely-worded deletion notice from in regards to the complaint I sent by private email to SlurpusDirect. Damn, thought I forged those headers... we must not be the only ones with good private investigators... 

  From: (Abuse) 
    To: (Bastard Geo From Hell) 
  Subj: HiddenAvenue/PalaceOfPorn6969 

Dear advertising asset #6969, 

Our guidelines and member Terms Of Service (TOS) have been carefully constructed to promote the free flowing exchange of dollars between advertisers and GeoCities with little regard for anything or anyone else, while at the same time maintaining our standard of mis/disinforming the Internet community and the societies of the world at large. 

GeoCities' political principle does not tolerate the development of any opinions or ideas at variance with the will of the majority. Any attempt to uphold different ideas will not be tolerated, as the symptom of an illness which threatens the healthy unity of the state. 

As such, your actions of sending unauthorized email to our Advertisers are inconsistent with our Guidelines and/or TOS; your account has been deleted, your name and profile have been added to our ISP Blacklist and your mother has been stabbed. Perhaps you will think more carefully about your actions in the future. 

We encourage you to review the guidelines at: 

Thank you, 

GeoCities Advertiser Response Team 

  From: (Bastard Litigators From Hell) 
    To: (Bastard Geo From Hell) 
  Subj: Your unlawful actions 

It has come to our attention that you have sent an unauthorized message to one of our Advertisers and asked them to stop 'spamming'. (We know; we conned your ISP into letting us read all your email archives). This accusation that SlurpusDirect are spammers in an UNLAWFUL act of defamation/slander and will not be tolerated!! Our lawyers are going over your homepage and email to see what else we can sue you for, and evidence of any activities we may want to forward to local police, FBI, or other legal departments so they can take appropriate actions against you. 

You'd better watch your back, motherf***er! 

GeoCities Legal Harassment Team 

    11:41 AM 
Thinking these messages were forged by SlurpUsDirect employees to shut me up (or just piss me off) I checked my Palace Of Porn homepage to see if it was still there. Got an 'Access Denied'. Called down to the computer room to find out whether the servers were operating properly. 

The tech on duty picks up. "Yes?" 
"Hello, is this the server room?" 
"Why yes it is. How may I help you Sir?" 

They are acting very polite today. 

"Well, I was just wondering about the server status; are all the pages up that are supposed to be up? Mine is returning an 'Access Denied' error." 
In the background I hear, "Hey, Some homesteader idiot has a complaint about the server! What do I do?"...followed by a chant of muffled voices...I could not make out what they were chanting. 

"All right, Sir, the computer is building a status report right now. May I have your username so I can access the reports?" 

I begin to speak, then hesitate. "Wait..." I think to myself. "Why does he need a username to check the system status?" 

"Do you really need it?" I ask. 


Reluctantly, I give the tech on duty my login. In the background I hear, "He just gave me his username!" Loud cheering ensued, and the chant grew louder. I just realized what they were chanting, but by then it was too late. 

I hear muffled conversation at the other end of the line. 
"Nuke 'em? Gotcha. Man I love being a server tech..." 

(to me) "Yes, Sir, the servers are working just fine." 

Gulp. Nervously, "How are my files? Are they all okay?" 

"Yep! Both of them are fine." 

"B-b-but..." I stammered, "I had three hundred files in there! Could you please check in my default directory again?" 

In the background I hear *clickety clickety* ... "What directory? There's no default directory under your account." 

Again, "B-b-but..." How could this be happening?? "How about my /backup directory? Do you see it?" 

"It was here a second ago *click clickety click* but, um, it seems to be missing now." 

"Damn you Bastard Server Tech From Hell!" I mumble, I soon realise, apparently a few decibels too loud. 

"Excuse me?!?" 

"I said, 'Has GeoMark's lunchbox got food in it still?'" 

I knew that it was after 11 in the morning--he would have gotten his lunch from the cafeteria line and, being interrupted by his girlfriend before he could eat it, stashed it in his lunchbox. I thought I'd do him a nice favor and save him from that terrible cafeteria cuisine...after that bum lasagna he had yesterday, it's the least I could do. 

"Urrf, *chomp* nopfe, *slurp* the lunfshbox is emfy. Sorry. >click<" 

My stomach made a sound not unlike that of an exploding freight train. "Damn it," I thought, "I have to buy lunch on my own mealticket." My 'free' GeoCities experience is costing more than expected. I instruct my Bastard Rookie In Training to take over for me, as I hit the cafeteria. 

* * * * * 

    2:30 PM 
Returned from lunch to find my eager BRIT making excellent progress, following in the footsteps of every Bastard Geo From Hell that has come before, in a manner which would make even the fabled Grandfather Geo proud.... 

The phone rings and the BRIT answers. 

"Yes? May I help you?" 

Some lip-flapping from a freestead luser on the other end of the line. 

"What? I can't hear you." 

More lip-flap, louder this time. 


Then I hear the luser practically screaming into the other end of the phone. The BRIT turns off the vacuum and explains in an annoyed tone, "I heard you the first time." 

Still more lip-flap, a little whimpery this time. At this time I get curious and turn on speakerphone so I can hear both sides of the conversation clearly. 

"I'm sorry," says the BRIT. "It says here that your account was terminated due to a TOS violation." 

"B-b-but..." The luser seemed very confused at this point. "How could I have been found in violation? I followed your TOS to the letter..." 

"Hang on a sec, I'll look it up... let's see... Says here your account was revoked because....." 

I heard the familiar "Ticktickticktick" of the Excuse-O-Matic spinning down. 

"...It was infested with man-eating termites! GeoCities is terribly sorry this had to happen. >click<" 

I congratulate the BRIT that I have taken under my wing, and tell him that he handled this situation SO well I just *have* to put him in charge of my post for the rest of the day. 

Being the Bastard Geo From Hell means never having to do your own work. 

Meanwhile I decide to go home before the sudsbomb I put in the company washing machine detonates. Oh well, I need to visit Mom in the hospital today anyway. Damn GeoStapo. Yer gonna pay for this, just you wait... 

Logged out, cleared my history and hustled home so as to be safely beyond the evil grasp of Accoutability when the entire GeoBasement is painted with three thousand gallons of Tide Ultra suds. That's only seventeen boxes of the stuff in a single washer load, I could have done worse..... 

Page Four

Bastard Geo From Hell ©1998 Bill Webb. It may be redistributed, but not for profit, so long as appropriate credit is given.
"GeoStapo" quotation adapted from HitlerCities with implied permission.