The Original
Bastard Geo From Hell
(Still a work in progress)

Part 8½: "Therapy"

---GeoShrink's office, session in progress...--- 
"Tell me more about this "Bastard Geos" publication..." GeoShrink 
"Well...this mean old Forums lurker is writing these stories called "Bastard Geo From Hell"... it's parody, I know, but it mimics Geo policy so closely I can't help thinking it's an inside job... I keep looking over my shoulder to see if another Geo is watching me for something to put in the next BGFH! This is really freaking me out!!" Geo Queen of Rain 
"It's all right. And now? Please continue..." GeoShrink 
"This latest one, #8... it's meaner than all the rest. It showed me conspiring with GeoCEO to spin-doctor the news reports about the trouble in our server room. It shows me as a mean, dishonest fibber who quests only for advertising dollars!" Geo Queen of Rain 
"So? I thought that's what we're all here for." GeoShrink 
"It called our beloved GeoCEO a bonehead! Worst of has MY screen-name in it!! I don't want to be the GeoForumCensor any more. They all think I'm a little Nazi who gets his jollies by going around censoring Forum posts, deleting people's homepages, giving out bullsh** no-answer answers, and threatening lawsuits. But I'm just doing my job! If I didn't nuke those public-opinion sites I'd lose my job! Do they all h-hate me? *sob*!" 
"There, there. I know it's hard sometimes, Geo Queen of Rain. But you just have to ignore them. People who post to online forums are just anti-social preteens who have been abused by their parents. Most of them do drugs. Nearly all drop out of special-ed by the age of sixteen. So don't pay any attention to them! See? It's that simple." GeoShrink 
"But they hurt me so! How do I make the pain stop?" Geo Queen of Rain 
"Well...maybe you can politely ask them not to make fun of you anymore." GeoShrink 
"No, I couldn't...I'm afraid it will make them hate me more!" Geo Queen of Rain 
"They don't hate you, GQoR. They're just little wise-asses having fun writing things like that. They don't really mean it. Besides, they're probably angry and frustrated at the higher-ups in GeoManagement who don't listen to them, and who make you and the rest of the guys delete their homepages. Since you're the only one with enough guts to step into the battlefield of GeoForums, you're naturally the scapegoat for all of GeoManagement." GeoShrink 
"I don't want to be a scapegoat anymore! I'm gonna have a mental breakdown here if I see one more BGFH episode." Geo Queen of Rain 
"I have a solution. Just delete it! Before you even have a chance to read it. Here, let me write out a prescription for you.... On the bright side, GQoR, at least it's not for Viagra!" GeoShrink 
|                   -                  | 
|PROZAC 500mg: Take 1 tablet twice a   | 
|            : day.                    | 
|CENSORSHIP  :                         | 
|100mg       : BastardDelete.cgi script| 
|            : to auto-delete any BGFH | 
|            : as soon as it's posted. | 
|LEGALESE 30g: Accuse poster of libel/ | 
|            : slander if they ask why | 
|            : their post disappeared. | 
|            : Failing that, claim     | 
|            : trademark infringement. | 
|                   -                  | 
|Rx  GEOSHRINK                         | 
"Wait...I have a layperson's knowledge of law. Fictional satire isn't slander. And anyway, I'm not even sure you can be accused of defaming a nonliving entity such as /Geo/ itself...that's like Santa Claus sending you legal threats for saying he doesn't exist." Geo Queen of Rain 
"SHH! Yeah, but those idiot GeoForums antisocial preteen druggie abusees don't have to know that...hell, they probably won't even see their post is deleted because of all that marijuana smoke obscuring the screen..." GeoShrink 
"What if I do that and still don't feel better?" Geo Queen of Rain 
"Don't worry about it, we'll delete some poor homesteader's page as a signpost and laugh about it." GeoShrink 
"And lose advertising dollars?" Geo Queen of Rain 
"We'll find a page that is Anti-Geo, and if it has ANY external links we can delete it as a signpost with a clean conscience! We'll force them to turn it into a GeoSelfServing page of nothing but links just like every other GeoMember's page! Muhahaha!" GeoShrink 
"How inhumane, how cruel!" Geo Queen of Rain 
"Won't it make you feel better?" GeoShrink 
"*sniff* no..." Geo Queen of Rain 
"OK...well after spending all day with YOU gloomy-gus, it'll certainly make ME feel better. Oh, Community Respo-onse..." 
GeoShrink leaves, on his way to nuke that infernal critic page with too much original content on it... 
--- Geo Queen of Rain, back in Forums --- 
"I deleted BGFH, Bastard Anti-social Preteen Abused Forums Druggie From Hell. It contained content which may arguably be considered defamatory. [Trans. Remove any and all references to BGFH from the entire Internet or legal action will be taken...your account will be nuked off whatever server it happens to be on, you'll be banned from the Internet forever, you'll get expelled from school, your mother will be stabbed...]" Geo Queen of Rain 
"Wait... How can you be defamatory in a fictional satire? That's a bit like Santa Claus sending me a.." Bastard Anti-social...Forums Poster From Hell 
"SILENCE! Do I have to report your 50-meg-a-day warez habit to the authorities?" Geo Queen of Rain 
"N-no...wait, WHAT warez habit??!" Forum poster 
"Bastard Anti-social Preteen Abused Forums Druggie From Hell, your issues are legal ones. Or should I say ILlegal ones. Your ISP just got a mailbomb from GeoLegal about your little five-fingered-freeware problem. I've also taken the liberty of removing all your defamatory Bastard Geo From Hells from all over the internet." 
"You can't do that!" Forum poster 
"Yeah, I CAN! I'm the Bastard Gothic Suicidal GeoCensor From Hell. I OWN the internet muhahaha!! Besides... redressing grievences is one thing, but writing a BGFH is something else entirely--that makes YOU ONE F***ED UP LITTLE CRACKER!" Geo Queen of Rain 
"Oh, yer just mad 'cause I used your screen-name. Is that it?" Forum poster 
"No, it's.......yeah. *sob* Why do you do this to me, Bastard forum poster? You know I have no sense of humour whatsoever. You know I cannot take a joke. *Snif* WHY?!" Geo Queen of Rain 

"I'm sorry, Geo Queen of Rain. I shouldn't have bogarted your screen-name. I'll never do it again. YOU set the rules in this forum; if you say no bogarting your screen-name, I won't bogart your screen-name." Forum poster 
"And no calling my beloved CEO a bone head!" Geo Queen of Rain 
"Fine. I'll hold high the sanctity of your screen-name and won't belittle your CEO's (*cough*) good name in your own home. And likewise YOU won't try to get me evicted from mine, either. Capice?" Forums poster 

"Deal." Geo Queen of Rain 
"What can I call someone who can't laugh at himself and has a null sense of humour? Oh, got it! Henceforth, in any future BGFH you shall be known as Geo Queen of Rain." Forums poster 
And that was that.

Page Nine

Bastard Geo From Hell ©1998 Bill Webb. It may be redistributed, but not for profit, so long as appropriate credit is given.