Please note: This is a satire.

Angola police and Tri-State security were baffled by an unexplained phenomenon late Monday evening when a snow barricade, made of several large snowballs, suddenly appeared in the middle of the west-bound lane of Park Avenue. Though the structure was originally reported to be built by students, not a single student recollects the events prior to the arrival of the officers, and certainly none claim to have participated in the construction. It would seem that the barricade appeared out of nowhere, leaving some students to speculate as to the cause of the blockage.  

Some students have suggested that it may be the result of very severe and localized hail, drifting, or an illusion concocted from swamp gas reflecting off of a weather balloon. Campus security, who made a valiant (Read: no) attempt to stop the construction, was the fourth on the scene, after cowering in Stewart Hall, and calling the authorities. Angola police arrived to fresh footprints in the snow and a 12 foot structure blocking Park Avenue. The decision was made to have the snow removed after the police spent several minutes unsuccessfully attempting to melt it with the sheer power of thought. The troublesome roadblock was disposed of on the Unit E lawn, and eventually topped with an ominous looking vulture.

Having dispatched with their work the police set about their judging responsibilities.  The police awarded the barricade a 5.9 of a possible 6.0 for technical merit, but its overall performance was marred by a French-Canadian officer who awarded only a score of 4.9 in the artistic impression category, despite its clearly superior performance over the nearby snow.

-Seth Kramer
 

SNIFFING FOR AN EXCUSE
The latest from the campus rumor mill

In the fall of '98, controversy erupted on campus over plans to tear down Sniff Hall, TSU's oldest and most recognized building. Amidst a flurry of protest and public outcry, however, these plans were abandoned and Sniff remains unmolested to this day.

Completed in 1887, Sniff is the edifice featured on TSU letterheads and promotional materials, and has become a defining symbol of Tri-State University. It has also become a thorn in the side of certain high-ups, who see a gaping money pit just aching to be filled: while many wax nostalgic about the building's rich history, few can deny that it is in need of some severe and costly repairs. Estimates for these repairs are in excess of $1 million dollars, and continue to increase as Sniff's aging structure loses its ongoing battle with entropy. 

The rampant rumor last semester was that Tri-State was planning to move Sniff hall, but it appears to be more than just whispers at the watercooler—reliable sources laid bare the current proposal to pick up the building, turn it approximately 180°, then plop it down between the parking lot and the library. "By moving Sniff, a quadrangle would be created, opening up the campus," reports Michael Marturello in the Herald-Republican, November, 2001. 

Now, think about this for a moment: how much sense does it make for the University to take a crumbling multi-story building it doesn't have the money to renovate, and whose structural integrity can be measured in pounds of Cafeteria mashed-potatoes, lift it right off its foundations and take it for a joyride? A far more likely scenario is that we have underestimated the responsible parties' grasp of elementary physics, and what we are now witnessing is the carefully-disguised return of the 1998 plan. If the stated objective was to "tear down Sniff hall", it would surely fail again--but what if, during the move, Sniff just happened to crumble into dust in the process? That's just an unfortunate—and unforeseen—accident. And remember, you didn't hear it here.

-T