Effective this year, students parking on campus need no longer fear "The Boot", the often-cursed yellow metal device clamped to the wheels of illegally-parked automobiles. The Boot's problems were many, and included hefty removal fees, relative ease of removal (crowbars and underinflated tires were implicated in the most common procedures), and the obvious fact that illegal parking is illegal because it blocks up roadways (and lawns), but Booting the offending auto only insures that it will continue blocking traffic until the owner scrapes up the cash to have it removed (or invest in a crowbar). Some Booted cars remain where they are for weeks before they are either paid off or towed. The new system will put an end to many Boot nightmares, although some students question being required to register every auto they might drive on-campus as well as obtain temporary parking permits for visitors.

All students will have to register their cars with TSU using an as-yet-unproduced form. Details of the registration process are yet to be announced, but more reasonable fines ($10) will replace the $50 boot-removal fees of past years. 
 

CONRAD HALL INSTALLS ICE DISPENSERS
Right where the showerheads used to be

While it's true that many students in TSU's all-male dorms are in need of a cold shower, Conrad Hall (Unit A) is taking it literally. Conrad has been without hot water since the beginning of the school year, and students are fuming (literally--some haven't bathed since arriving, and it shows). Sadly, lack of hot water in the dorms is nothing new. During the past couple years, most if not all student dorms have experienced hot-water outages for up to a week at a time, some of them during the winter months.

"I can't see my girlfriend like this--I smell like a filthy college student," said A., a Conrad resident.

Given the choice between COLD and LESS COLD, some choose the lesser of two evils, but many opt for a third. Currently, some of the smarter Conrad 'inmates' are using Alwood's (Unit B) showers, an action made semi-practical by the nice weather. Winter outages usually curtail this activity, the combination of scant clothing, wet bodies and snowy treks causing embarassing physiological side-effects for both genders and leaving would-be showerers out in the cold. There is as yet no word on when Conrad will again have hot water.
 

TSU STAFF DISABLE AIR CONDITIONERS
Change in air conditioner policies leaves students hot under collar

Students who requested air-conditioned rooms for this semester arrived to a most unwelcome surprise. The air conditioners have been disconnected. Before any student can bask in the cool of a Freon coil, he/she must pay up an additional $150 per semester to rent the unit, regardless of allergies, doctors' notes or other circumstances. According to TSU staff, new air conditioning units (the bright white boxes you may see protruding from some rooms) are being installed at a cost of upwards of $1,000 apiece.
 

NO THANKS BUT THANKS ANYWAY
Student admires and appreciates one-of-a-kind, memorable scholarship bait-and-switch

Dear The Rag,

During this summer I was fascinated to receive a thoughtful letter from Tri-State informing me that my Dean's Scholarship had been partially converted to a large-hearted Named Scholarship, and so I had to send back a charming photo and a flattered thank-you letter to the large-hearted person named on the letter. While I have no problem giving credit where it's due, I find the special silent scholarship switch, as well as the generous condescending attitude of the enclosed "Guidelines for writing a Thank-you" (and remarkable thank-you-letter templates), bountiful in their questionability. I'll avoid sweeping, general remarks and just say that I was happy and impressed that I was still receiving scholarship money at all, and thrilled that someone out there wanted a copy of my ugly mug to appreciate again and again, but was stunned by the superb switcheroo nonetheless. I will always treasure such thoughtful phrases as "state your gratitude", "over popular and benign" and "object of your gratitude". But enough ranting, I should save my news, information, questions, and comments for another letter. 
 

NETWORK INNAGES CONTINUE
Students occasionally receiving packets

Throughout the hallways, geeks can be seen lying on the floor twitching with the convulsions of Internet withdrawal as network problems continue. While local game servers and mp3s can still be accessed, chat, instant-messaging, Web sites, Napster-alikes and non-TSU mail may as well not exist. IHETS, the people paid to diddle with TSU's network equipment, are expected to show up on campus around lunchtime Wednesday to do the necessary diddling, during which time the innages will cease entirely and nary a packet shall intrude upon the lower campus. Until then, Web sites and email may occasionally slip through, so keep those fingers on that RELOAD button.