The carbuncle left on our sidewalks during the night, categorized by such pedantic messages as "Prioritize Your Life", "Go To Class" and "Say No to Drugs". It bothered me.
    Thankfully the rain and snow have washed away the last chalk-on-concrete remnants of this nagging surrogate parent. After telling all my drugs "NO!" several times in a firm voice and giving my inner tree a nice big hug, I can only assume that the parties responsible for the "Chalking of America" belong to one or more of TSU's religion-based organizations. Nothing against religious organizations, but if I want to cut an occasional Humanities class, play Duke Nukem 17 hours a day or say "YES!" to caffeine, that's my business.
    Pardon me for spoiling the baby-seal-rescuing mission with a little hard logic, but wasn't one of the key points of going to college to get AWAY from your parents? Who really wants a surrogate Mommy tagging along with them as they go to class, reminding them not to do drugs? Do persons of reasonable college intelligence really need to be told not to sew LSD into their underpants? Especially by the sidewalk?! You've got to be pretty darned high on something to believe a word the sidewalk tells you.

OH NO, IT'S PORN!
The Editors - Satire

    I'm having a real problem with all this DISGUSTING, IMMORAL filth on our campus. Just look around this offensive, degrading place, there are pornographic images and skin showing everywhere. It's horrible in itself, and even more so because TSU is actually encouraging it!! Hardly a day goes by where I don't see people, men AND women, gallivanting about the hallways in little more than a pair of boxer shorts. Just yesterday I got up to take a shower, and when I got there saw two people already in there, COMPLETELY BUTT NAKED. They didn't even seem ashamed of themselves! I have received reports that this is a COMMON occurrence in the residence halls, especially Stewart Hall. I have been informed that some Stewart shower facilities are engineered to allow up to FIVE NAKED PEOPLE to use them at the same time! This is unacceptable and an offense to our homegrown Midwestern morals.
    But don't start drawing up your picket signs just yet, it gets worse. I was recently informed that TSU offers an ANATOMY course, which of course uses an ANATOMY textbook. Books of this nature promote gross depictions of the human figure inside and out, including photos and drawings of GENITALS with obvious appeal to the prurient interest. Don't even get me started on the HUMAN S*XUALITY textbook, which I've been informed contains instructional text and images relating to the "SIXTY-NINE" position! If that's not promoting casual S-E-X, I don't know what is. This is all a reflection of our sickness and immaturity, and I sure wish all of our Psychology and medical majors would just GROW UP. We don't need this kind of filth on our campus.
 

TRI-STATE UNIVERSITY LAUNCHES MISINFORMATION CHANNEL
Anonymous

     It was bound to happen. Bowing to pressures both outward and internal, good old TSU has finally moved squarely into the 20th century and launched its very own “Information Channel” on our televisions. This marvel of 1950’s technology allows the office of Student Services (hereafter referred to as “SS”) to post news and noteworthy information for all students living in the dorms to see. Now there’s progress. No longer do we have to rely on the archaic and inefficient method of putting newsletters in our mailboxes or posting flyers on bulletin boards. Now all of the most worthless and trivial information the university has to offer can grace our beloved channel 27. So, you might ask yourself, why would anyone be down on this wonderful display of our tuition dollars at work? Well, let me give you a few informational morsels to choke on…
     This wonderful system is controlled from a small box unit located on the 4th floor of Stewart, in the epicenter of network activity for lower campus, the hub room. (Pause for reverent sighs). This is the room where it all happens, from network outages to the receivers that prevent us from getting more than 26 channels on a SATELLITE SYSTEM (and don’t get me started on that). At any rate, in this room of wonders is a small box that controls channel 27. A model of efficiency, it has a small keyboard for text entry and no monitor to display what is happening. The poor soul who is elected to update the pages (hereafter referred to as “numbnuts”) must either enlist the aid of someone on the floor to give him a play-by-play of what he’s doing, or he must truck the entire unit back to his dorm room to connect to his own television, making for several hours of work to update 7-8 pages of information. And they think it’s a good deal? I need to be a consultant for these people…
    Now, shall we talk about the content? Let’s see… last time I flipped it on (incidentally I removed it from my channel lineup so I don’t even remember to look at it) we had the free movies at the Brokaw, info on the Freshman Convocation, and several reminders for things of which deadlines have already come and gone. I don’t know what I ever did without it. Now, of course I didn’t mention everything that is posted on the site. Why? You may be thinking ‘…because he doesn’t want to concede that there is relevant information after all…’ Well, the truth of why I didn’t mention anything else is because I can’t read the postings. Not because of raging illiteracy, it’s due to the atrocious choice of fonts and backgrounds that make legibility at a distance of more than 6 inches all but impossible (not that I don’t love black-and-white speckled font on fuchsia). Do we have a publications department? Have THEY attended some sort of post-secondary institution???
    I could go on and on, but I don’t want to take up more than my fair share of precious underground newsletter space. So, in closing, don’t get out of the loop. Stay informed. Stay studious. Watch more TV.