It has been a long-standing tradition that students with physical ailments such as Extreme Hay Fever and Asthma have been able to receive air-conditioned rooms for the warm months.  Students needed to have a doctor’s note with the reason, and once on file, to Alwood they would go.

That was before the SS (Schtudent Schervices) implemented the new eugenics policy on campus. Now the ailing are subjected to all the things that can kill them.  And with good reason--who wants sick people that may infect our pure Indiana blood?

"We need good stock to play for the TSU Thunder, weak students will not make our school money," said Herr Hack (leader of the SS).

Finally we will have a cleaner environment, with no "sickies" to infect us.  Thank God for eugenics.
 

SATAN FIGHTS BACK
A crestfallen Prince Of Darkness tells his side

Everyone should remember last year’s infamous radio interview with Satan.  Satan had a no holds barred conversation with a prominent WEAX DJ in which Satan dared the "Christian Campus Cult" to stop tearing down his banners for "Finals Week 2001."  He felt that it was unjust to not be allowed to hang up his banners just because he was the Dark Prince.  He was prompted to put up these banners because of the ones that God put up.

"I felt that I had a right," said Satan, "to say my side of the story.  Who is being the hypocrite, when only one view is allowed to be seen?  I never have recieved a fair shot.  I just wanted to share Heaven with Him."

A tearful Satan talked about how he gave people what they truly wanted.  Like Timmy who wanted one day of warm weather. Satan granted Timmy the warm day of weather, for only one soul (Timmy was hit by a Mack truck later that day, oddly enough). 

"That sounds like a good deal to me," said Satan. 
 

SHOWER SITUATION CONTINUES
Tri-State students bathing in misery

The shower situation in Conrad Hall (aka Unit A) continues.  Despite numerous promises to resolve the situation, the maintenance staff have yet to produce meaningful results.

"I've started bathing in my own urine," says one beleaguered pupil.  "It may be unsanitary but at least it's warm!"

Since our last issue, the maintenance staff of TSU has raised many false hopes.  Just like the network, Unit A's showers have been plagued with "innages" of hot water.

"My roommate said there was hot water in the showers, but when I went to clean the vomit off my chest, I was knocked cold," claims one TKE exile.

This author would like to appeal to the maintenance of Tri-State University to get this situation resolved.  Besides, it can't be that hard to relight the boilers, can it?

~ The Midnight Showerer ~

Note: This article was received during the peak of Unit A’s shower fiasco. At the time of publication, the showers have been operating properly for almost 2 weeks straight.