NETWORK INNAGES PLAGUE DORMS
Students, administrators work to address connectivity problem
During the past two semesters, the Tri-State lower campus has been
plagued with sporadic "network innages". These seemingly random, brief
periods of Internet connectivity pose a serious threat to the privacy and
productivity of Tri-State students, warns Internet technician Jane Morgandorfer.
Morgandorfer, a former AOL Hometown administrator and current head of network
operations at Tri-State, explains:
"These bursts of network activity pose a substantial privacy
risk to students. Over 90% of all on-line fraud involves the Internet,
and nearly half of all spam originates online. Next to credit card holders,
Internet users are the biggest victims of credit fraud online."
Morgandorfer also fears a decline in study habits if the innages continue.
Caleb Cabal, a concerned student, has financial concerns as well.
"[Students] are paying a hefty technology fee to the people downstairs
to ensure things like this don't happen. What good is it if, despite all
this expensive security, packets continue to slip through?" gripes Cabal.
According to TSU officials, the technology fee will be abolished next semester
in favor of a tuition hike which, it is hoped, will cover next year's estimated
budget for replacement Fabiani Hall signs.
Despite the inconvenience caused by the intrusion of external packets,
Morgandorfer remains optimistic. "When the innage subsides, the packet
storm of students trying to connect to Slashdot drops off within a few
hours, and the LAN game speeds improve dramatically."
STUDENT PUBLICATIONS IN DANGER
Student Services battles scourge of unapproved opinions
A gold-on-grey dedication placard hangs above a toilet on the 2nd
floor of Conrad Hall, in honor of one I.P. Freeley. But the part that made
it humorous and meaningful, an order form in the adjacent stall for restroom
facility dedications ("for a modest donation"), has long since been removed.
Tri-State's seeming hostility toward criticism of last year's dorm
dedications is not new. Beginning with a hotly contested editorial referring
to the new names as "nonsense", the trend against negative commentary has
continued. According to one student, the donors "deserve to be respected,
sure, but some at TSU are taking it too far and leaving a bad taste in
peoples' mouths. You're filling out some form and specify 'Unit E', and
they look at you like you just sodomized a nun."
Other types of publications are being discouraged as well. A recent
promotion for a Christian event, featuring quotations prominently attributed
"-God", prompted hucksters to post similar signs for the competition. While
God posters remained largely unaffected, quotes from Satan and Darwin tended
to disappear rapidly. Earlier this year, an unofficial student Noise Policy
drew unwanted attention from TSU staff. "We had a dorm meeting consisting
of a 20-minute lecture from Dick Hack, about offensive this and disrespectful
that," explains a student from Conrad. In Hack's hand was a handwritten
parody of TSU's noise and hallway light policies, removed from the hallway
one floor above the toilet dedication.
Other verboten materials this school year include restroom cleanliness
warnings, food-poisoning notices, Darwin Fish, meeting announcements for
the "IEEE Secret Society", The Rag, and Top 20 lists of the cutest guys/gals
on campus. It is unknown whether these materials have been removed by TSU
staff, students, or both.
THUMBS
 Freedom of the press.
 Stupid Tristapo storm-troopers
who destroy our Freedom of Expression.
Unlimited free ink and paper!
Getting 208 kbps downloads
at 3 A.M.
 Getting "Flumonella" from
eating Tri-State food.
Cheesy smelling bathrooms.
Showers with no curtains.
Showers with no curtains.
Movies starring Cameron Diaz.
Radio stations that constanly
play the Backstreet Boys.
Optional finals.
Finals that are scheduled
during lunch.
Lenient professors that give
huge extensions.
Lots of new submissions for
The Rag.
Plenty of available single
rooms!
Neighbors having loud sex all hours of the day and night.
TV stations who yank your
favorite programs from the lineup.
Distributed file sharing
networks.
MORE THUMBS
Twinkies. Any product with
a 10-year shelf life can't be all bad.
WEAX broadcasting during the
X-Files. Now when we finally get to see the aliens, they're covered in
stripes and singing "That Ain't My Truck".
Turtlenecks. Not only are
they warm, but they also cover up a weekend full of activity!
The people who drive to class,
then spend 10 minutes circling for a parking space. It's a half a block
of damn nice weather... could you BE any lazier? Or could you just not
go for three whole hours without annoying the entire campus with Slim
Shady on your ultra-nifty subwoofers.
Lunchables. We've made it
a rule not to eat any meat that can be used as a Frisbee.
Modern Physics. If I'm in
a '69 El Dorado and travelling 9/10 the speed of light, the quantum length-contraction
effect on my trunk space is the last of my problems. Unless
of course you're transporting bodies, which might also explain the speeding...
Human Sexuality. The one class
where you can talk dirty to your professor without affecting your grade.
Satan being interviewed on
WEAX. Complain if you will, but look how many Christian stations are out
there. Isn't competition part of the healthy American way?
People who sneak food out
of the cafeteria. The whole Carmen Miranda look is just soooo Hell
Week. Besides, after you've hidden those cookies down your pants, are they
really worth eating?
The Santa Claus skin for
Half-Life. Now you can be glad Santa only comes once a year.
To automobiles with novelty
horns that play Dixie, all day, all night. Why not just come to class with
musical socks that play "It's A Small World"? Same goes for those 2AM miniscooter
rallies in the Stewart parking lot. |
