An uncensored, independent publication of the students of Tri-State University

Volume 2, Issue 3, October 19 2001


WHAT HOMECOMING MEANS TO ME
by A. Student

Our composition instructor asked us the following question: "What does homecoming mean to you?"  The instructor went on to assign us a paper on that subject.  They say the idea was to make us attend homecoming, to become more socially rounded students.  I say it was just an attempt to get students to buy tickets to events, purchase concessions, eat the poisonous Tri-State food, and so on.  I say, great and powerful rulers of Tri-State, this is what homecoming means to me.

HOMECOMING MEANS EATING IN THE TENT - Since all of the alums ("money-people") come to visit us during homecoming, the ruling elite has decreed that they be treated to an extra-special meal in the dining hall.  Of course, they wouldn't want the money-people to become infected with the students' dangerous ideas or flumonella, so they make us eat in the cold tent.

HOMECOMING MEANS HAVING NO PARKING - With all the money-people and parents cluttering up the place, there is no room for actual students to park their cars.

HOMECOMING MEANS AN END TO STUDENT SERVICES - With Student Services catering to the money-people all weekend, any actual student problems will just have to wait until sometime next century.

HOMECOMING MEANS ASTRO-TURF STUDENT SPIRIT - Since we have to all look excited about our stupid homecoming, we need lots of fake student spirit.  Since all of the actual students are busy doing important things (like doing homework or playing Quake), they don't have time to care about any stupid athletic stuff.  That means that student services have to make all the spirit banners themselves.  (What? Did you think that students made those?  Next thing you’ll be telling me that Tri-State food is delicious and nutritious.)
 

DEEPLY OFFENDED
Letter to the Editor
 
To Whom It May Concern,

I found your recent article about the dark prince (aka. Satan) deeply offensive.  Do you not realize that Baal Zebub is merely using your publication to conquer more souls for his evil plans of eternal damnation?  In giving a voice to Lucifer, you have sold all of our souls to him!  Maybe they'll reserve a special place in Hell for your misdeeds.

-- C. Hicks


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THE RAG