I recently hit the stalls for the third time in one day (there appears to be a positive correlation between eating cafeteria food and crapping a lot) only to find the third consecutive log-in-the-bog awaiting my visit.

I know what you're thinking, “An article devoted to bodily functions? What has The Rag been reduced to?” But hear me out, there's something on this campus that's been bothering me for a long time, and this time I'm not talking about the food. I'm talking about the fact that a large number of people on this campus have apparently never been taught how to flush a toilet. Coming from the Chicagoland area, maybe I'm not at liberty to cast aspersions. But I would venture to guess many of TSU’s students come from areas with running water, and even have toilets consisting of more than a shack over a pit in the ground. Is it unreasonable to assume that even Indiana has been exposed to this wonder of modern (1596 AD) technology? Perhaps instead of forcing freshmen to attend football games or subjecting seniors to Zapp! The Lightning Of Empowerment, they should burn a few credits on a mandatory class to help students understand that the lever on the commode is not just there for decoration.
 

NIMDA VIRUS RAVISHES TSU NETWORK
Reader encourages kinky bastards to use Virus-Scan

A couple weeks ago is when I first noticed the green glow in my room, interrupting my blissful slumber. It was when I arose to investigate further that I found every light on my network hub blazing brightly. Something was not right. Since the activity lights were bent on keeping me awake anyway, I figured I may as well see what was going on. Whipped open my trusty packet sniffer (shh! Don't tell Marie Hufnagle) and there they were: dozens of machines trying feverishly to fill my shares with *.eml files. NIMDA had arrived.

The Nimda virus is an MSTD (Microsoft-Transmitted Disease) transmitted by the Outlook email client. Among the virus' activities, it makes the user's entire C drive shared on the network, tries to email itself to everyone in their address list, then begins scanning the network for writeable shares to stuff randomly-named .eml and .nws files into. These files will then infect most anyone who opens them.

Several days later a trusted friend of mine called me over to his PC to show me something interesting. In attempting to disinfect a machine that was slowing down his Quake3 game with continual infection attempts, he had stumbled upon several gigabytes' worth of video and image files nobody would have ever suspected its owner of possessing. You name it, he had it. While we knew we shouldn't be going through someone's private files, a mixture of curiosity and shocked disbelief forbade us to peel ourselves away. The evening's pièce de résistance was a video involving horses, upon which we will not elaborate further. Thanks to Nimda, we have a friend we will never look at the same way again.

I guess the moral of this story is–unless you enjoy snickers and knowing glances in the hallways–to get a virus scanner and use it. The reputation you save may be your own.

-T.

“WHY DRINK?” SAYS SIDEWALK
Morons descend upon Greek concrete to waste spraypaint

Students who walk to class are encountering an unwelcome surprise on the sidewalk next to the field. This sidewalk, decorated annually by Greeks in a TSU tradition, has been defaced by moronic phrases scrawled in orange spraypaint. While the vandalism makes no reference to invisible spiders, The Rag's editorial staff suspects drunks are to blame for the incident.
 
“This vandalism has disrespected the Greek organizations collectively and personally,” says Kappa Sigma Alpha's recent Triangle article.

It is unclear whether the defacement is targeted at specific students, modeled after last year's chalk sidewalk defacement containing some similar messages, or a completely unrelated incident.