The Original
Bastard Geo From Hell
(Still a work in progress)

This shite is based loosely on the Bastard Operator|User From Hell series by Simon Travaglia ...
Part One: "The AdFarce Virus"

    9:00:00 AM 
Started full backup of homesteads. Sent the output to device NULL so it goes fast. 

    9:00:27 AM 
All done with weekly backup. 

    9:45 AM 
Had a chat with Alex Sandell's ISP and got his 'GeoShitties' satirical parody pulled. Got him on an ISP blacklist so he can't get a new one. Then talked to local Congressmen about adding an exclusion of anti-GeoCities pages to the First Amendment. 
Threatened to sue InterNIC, got the domain-name dropped. No refunds Sandell! Hahahahahh! 

    9:50 AM 
Got a complaint from GeoPlus homesteader about advertising on his paid account. Accidentally typed "delete *.*" in his account. Then realized it didn't do anything 'cause I'm using UNIX. Then accidentally typed "rm -r *" too. 

    9:55 AM 
Received complaint from same GeoPlus 'steader that all his files were gone and his password wasn't working. Referred him to Management. At least I told him it was Management. Gave him the number of some auto-parts dealer in Pakistan. Took a nap. 

    2:40 PM 
Awakened from nap by commotion in the computer room. The Techs were making lots of racket, the CEO was in there frantically banging on things and using lots and lots of cuss words. Went to see what all the fuss was about.... 


Geo Server Tech A: "Hey, Geo Server Tech B, come take a look at this." 

Tech B: "Looks like there's about 15 megs missing from the 'E' drive." 

Tech A: "That's /SiliconValley isn't it." 

Tech B: "How should I know, I'm just here to kick the server every so often to keep it running." 

Tech A: "And swear at it." 

Tech B: "Yeah, on a good day... I mark down all server-swearing as 'Overtime'." 

Tech A: "Think we oughtta see what happened to those megs?" 

They look at the clock, then each other. "Naaah." 

Being the Bastard Geo From Hell means never having to worry about server problems during lunch break. 

Tech A (on 3-hour lunchbreak): "Wonder what happened to those 15 missing megs. Oh well..." 

Being the Bastard Homesteader From Hell means never having to pay for GeoPlus. 

---- (Techs A and B return from lunch to see if their erotic videos have finished downloading yet.) -- 

Tech A: "Hey, check this out." 

Tech B: "Cool. Where did you get an 'Uncle Sam' screensaver that plays music?" 

Tech A: "Dunno. I don't remember installing it..." 

(Techs A and B decide to go back to lunch, leaving Windows NT to crash itself and swallow some more hard drive space. Tech C returns from lunch break, carrying "Tetris Attack" and a bag of Loundy's pizza to keep him occupied in the computer room.) 

Tech C (leaving computer room to pee, runs into other 2 techs): "Cool. Where did you get that screensaver with the 'Uncle Sam' that runs around your desktop eating files?" 



"Mr. Boneheadt, we've got bad news and we've got bad news." 

"Okay, what's the bad news?" 

"GeoMark ate all the cookie dough ice-cream." 

"Oh my God! Then what's the less-bad news?" 

"It appears that our entire outfit has been infected with a computer virus." 

"A VIRUS?!?" 

"Yep. It got in there somehow, we don't know how (it had NOTHING to do with that dial-a-porn client we installed), infected the AdFarce server (causing it to begin self-modifying its adforcedownyourthroat() code libraries) and also destroyed several of our Neighborhoods without a trace. As you know, GeoCities policy is to direct our weekly backups to /dev/null for optimum efficiency. This of course has the unfortunate side effect that no data is actually backed up." 

"What is our plan of action at this point? How will we deal with this issue?" 

"Use the petty-cash fund to buy more cookie dough ice-cream, Sir." 

"No, I mean about the virus. Techs?" 

Tech A: "(Hmm, good question.) Tech B? Any ideas?" 

Tech B: "Umm, Tech C, any ideas?" 

Tech C: "Idunno. Wait, humans catch viruses too, right? I thought so. Hey GeoTynan, what do you do when you come down with something?" 

GeoTynan: "Oh, come to work as usual and let all you guys catch it..." 

GeoTJ: "Cough, cough, sniffle... Thanks a lot. I think I'm going to take the rest of the week off." 

Tech A: "So... That means..." 

Tech B: "Exactly! Business as usual." 

Tech C: "We will keep all servers, including the infected hostile-coding AdFarce server, running just as they were. We will establish a committee to establish a committee to decide what is to be done with the virus. In the meanwhile, we'll ignore the problem and hope the homesteaders don't notice." 

(A few seconds later...) 

GeoMark's Web browser: "You've got mail! Downloading: message 1 of 14,067..." 

(a very distraught) GeoMark: "You aren't going to like this... Apparently, a few homesteaders noticed. Um, just a few....hundred...thousand..." 

GeoTJ, downloading several terabytes' worth of flames from angry GeoPlus: "Uh-oh, I think we got a meltdown here. Get me the Excuse-O-Matic -- STAT!" 

Boneheadt's indentured servant returns, lugging a large, computerized "See & Say"-like device with a monitor. GeoTJ boots it up and sets it spinning... 

Round and round the Excuse-O-Matic goes, where it stops nobody knows...tickticktick.tick.tick..tick....tick.....tick. 

"This is all Microsoft's fault!" 

GeoTJ: "That can't be right...If Microsoft wrote this virus it would be too large to fit on our drives." 

GeoMark: "No, let me try it.." 


"We do not currently know what the he** is going on, but I have half a mind to forward this question to our chief monkey-with-a-script when he gets back from vacation next week. We WILL get to the bottom of this. (Or relatively close.) In the meanwhile, stay tuned for more runarounds and ambiguous Clintonesque rhetoric that doesn't even come close to answering the question asked!" 

GeoMark: "No, we've used that one too many times before..homesteaders will get suspicious." 

GeoTynan: "Don't just stand there, spin it again!" 

(GeoMark spins the Excuse-O-Matic.) 


A fatal exception 0E has occurred in module MakeExcuses() at (address unknown). 
Please contact your nearest Excuse-O-Matic Repair Center for assistance. 

Tech C: "Cooool! I've never seen THAT shade of blue before!" 

GeoMark: "OK, WHO put geopops on the Excuse-O-Matic?!?!" 

"Oh No..No...NOOOOOOOOO! You know what this means-- This means we'll have to CRAFT AN EXCUSE MANUALLY!!!!" 

"That's it. We're doomed." 

(Later still...) 

GeoMark's Girlfriend: "...That sounds like a real pickle you're in. I've got an idea.. I'll give you some killer excuses to placate your homesteaders and get out of this jam, Markiepoo, all you have to do is (whisper, whisper..)" 

GeoMark: "NO WAY! Does this look like an Oval Office to you?!? Besides, those braces of yours really scuff me up!" 

"Look, you want your excuses or not?" 

GeoMark: "Oh, alright damn it..." 

(sound of GeoMarks office door closing, a deadbolt being engaged..) 

-- Meanwhile, the on-duty BGFH continues in his journal... -- 

    10:31 AM 
I found a critic's webpage during my disinformation and media-control duties today...I called his Web provider on the phone, threatened litigation, and got his pages pulled. That'll teach 'em not to f--- with the Bastard Geo From Hell. What a loser. Doesn't he know that Geocities owns the Web? 

Being a Bastard Geo From Hell means never having to guess at other people's passwords. 

    1:53 PM 
I eliminated another potential threat to our profitability today. There was this 13 year old girl who had a webpage saying she was going to boycott us, I threatened her with a lawsuit. That shut her up in a hurry. This might even net me a raise. God will be so happy with me. 

Being a Bastard Geo From Hell means payback time for all the times those mean old bullies used to beat me up in high school. Now I get to be the bully. It's fun. I can be the biggest A--hole I want to be, and NOBODY can stop me! Hahahahahaa!! 

-- Meanwhile, the BxHFH continues a journal of his own... -- 

    10:45 AM 
It's those Geocities bastards. They got my account pulled again. Wish I could talk to the sysop and tell him my site is protected by Fair Use and the 1st Amendment...but he's hiding under his bed right now. Cowering. Mumbling something about international lawsuits and cement shoes. Damn Geocities. Better fall back on one of my other free Web accounts. Nuts, only 109 left--I'm almost down to double digits here! This really sucks. 

Being the Bastard (ex)Homesteader From Hell means never having to wait very long for your pages to go back up. 

    3:20 PM 
I've got my access to the Geocities BBS back, posting copies of the lawsuit threat their legal department sent me and my new ISP. Don't those Geocities idiots realize they just can't shut me up? When they blocked my IP range for criticising their advertising, I switched dialups. Then they blocked my entire ISP. That meant it was Proxy Time. Anonymizer, here I come! I FTP'd with Damaged Cybernetics' Spoofmaster 2000, posted through Anonymizer, port 8080...they were really fuming now...bounced my email through a Hotmail server, they never knew what hit 'em! 

Hah. K-line, my a**. 
Being the Bastard (ex)Homesteader From Hell means never *really* being banned from the server. 

    4:37 PM 
Was checking my links...Hmm, strange, that "GeoCensored" page is down again... 

-- The Bastard Geo From Hell's journal continues... -- 

    3:09 PM 
Found a page out there called "GeoCensored" and strong-armed the Web host into deleting it and telling me where the author lived...He's resting comfortably at the bottom of Lake Michigan now. 
Gee, I hope I got it before our advertisers saw it... 
Played MineSweeper. 

    3:53 PM 
Got interrupted by a call from an irate user about his account. Says it won't let him cancel GeoPlus and keeps charging him. Forwarded him to 'Management'. That Pakistan number again. 

    3:59 PM 
Found a page called "HitlerCities" by a disgruntled Geo ex-employee who uncovered the facts about our GeoGestapo media watchdogs and GeoCensors. Was going to file a lawsuit, but realized it's almost 4:00. Time to go home and watch "Ninja Turtles". I'll tell the public that "while we are disappointed that this person would poke fun at those affected by Hitler (actually, he was just poking fun at ME), we are not taking action against him at this time. We are flattered that he has wasted his time on our behalf." 

Punched out, scanned picture of GeoMark and his girlfriend together in his locked office. Man does that GeoGestapo micro-surveillance equipment come in handy. Posted the pics to my XXX site in hidden Geo avenue, charged admission. Subscribers complained because some damn AdFarce code splattered part of Geo's main page over all my pictures. Have to move my site off GeoCities if this keeps up... Maybe I can try for a TOS violation... use a non-Linkexchange banner, etc. 

---- ----
(The BGFH goes home and watches Ninja Turtles, leaving the techs to ignore the virus on their own. End of page 1.)

Page Two

Bastard Geo From Hell ©1998 Bill Webb. It may be redistributed, but not for profit, so long as appropriate credit is given.