The Original
Bastard Geo From Hell
(Still a work in progress)

Part Two: "Don't Feed The Pigeons"

     9:00 AM 
This week is Sexual Awareness Week here at GeoCities. Had to sit through a lecture about on-the-job sexual harassment and gender sensitivity. Had lewd fantasy about lecturer. Improved my Sexual Awareness with a few visits to Ended up 'sexually aware', staring at GeoJane while drooling. 

    10:30 AM 
GeoJane noticed me staring, took off her shirt and ran circles around my desk. 
Became like the girl in 'Exorcist'. 
Later spent three hours trying unsuccessfully to un-twist my neck. GeoTynan told me I looked like a Twizzler Pull 'n' Peel. 

Being the Bastard Geo From Hell means having plenty of free time to recover from ogle-induced neck injuries. 

In an effort to keep employees from watching the clock all day, GeoCities management has removed all clocks from the walls and confiscated our watches. 

--   ??:?? 

Got email from newbie homesteader asking how to change the spacing of text on her homepage. Told her to highlight entire document and use the "Doublespace Each Line" key located directly under 'Insert'. 


Got complaint from homesteader about the Watermark, which he referred to as the 'pissmark'. Acted very polite. After he hung up, printed out a copy of his homepage on laserjet. Urinated on it. Mailed it back to him with my compliments. 
Went out for a beer. 


tHink i had 2 namy bEerz. sErver was tallking ot me in pretty colors. TOld EgoCities I wuz goingg ohme 2 zleep it off. Puked on GeoMark's lasagna. Fell azleep be4ore I could tel him. 


Woke up semisober. 
Heard GeoMark talking about how awful his lasagna was. Felt sick again and had to take a snooze break. 


Thought I'd do all members a favor by helping them become acquainted with SI units and the metric system. Noticed bits and bytes are *not* metric. Set Geo server disk-quota manager to use the Kelvin scale on all non-paying member accounts. GeoPlus account spaces are being measured in foot-lumens. Disk space in administrative accounts is now reported in milliamps. 


Helping newly-hired server tech get acquainted with building. He asked where the server room was. Told him third door on the right. Heard scream. Oops! Silly me. Server room is *fourth* door on the right. Third door is the ladies room. 


Server Tech A sent me a memo requesting more milliamps. Happily obliged by electrifying his office doorknob. He got into his office no problem. Drat. Must've been wearing rubber-soled shoes. Oh well, never mind that now. Critics to assassinate. 


Got harshly-worded complaint from irate homesteader that a screendump of the Geo homepage was loading instead of his page. Asked him how much he paid us for hosting. He said he was on the 'free lunch program' and hadn't paid diddlysquat. 
Oops! Accidentally changed his password from "dog" to "zmnb876zxcb8(6zx65#3n6zcvvm1%9!y". That'll keep him busy for a while. 

Being a Bastard Geo From Hell means never having to take s**t off nobody. 


Found GeoCities critic out there on the web, actively hurting our profit margin by exposing the truth about us. Invited him to peaceful swim at Huntington Beach. Once there made him an offer he couldn't refuse: If he agreed to cease all criticism of our company and post a retraction on his site, I'd let him up for air. 
He was ever so grateful that I upheld my end of the bargain. 

Well, actually I *didn't* uphold my end of the bargain. 

But he hasn't complained... 


Chattered on IRC while I was s'posed to be watching server. Got flamed by some idiot who thinks he's 'all that'. He threatended to winnuke me and asked what my IP address was. Told him it was haven't heard from him since. 


Found fun program called REGEDIT on GeoMark's computer. Played Russian Registry Roulette. 


Got caught playing Russian Registry Roulette by GeoMark. He knew because his computer wouldn't boot. He asked if I made a backup of the registry first. Asked him what a 'backup' was. Took a nap. 

-- Meanwhile, in the journal of the Bastard (ex)Homesteader From Hell... -- 

Ucch! Had a dream --scratch that-- *nightmare* that I was the head of Geocities. I had a swastika on my arm and was yelling orders in German to my GeoGestapo. 
"Destroy all GeoCriticism using any means necessary! It threatens the healthy unity of the State!" 
"Zieg Heil!," they chanted in unison. "Zieg Heil!" 

Actually you know, it would be fun to have ownership of the company, like a beat-up used car. It would be a 'fixer-upper'. Repair and mend all the bonehead company decisions, antihuman policies, PR boobos...If I was CEO for a day, Boy would there be some changes.... 

1) Hire competent programmers to write ad code that doesn't f*** up peoples' pages. 
2) Post copies of 1st Amendment in all cubicles 
3) Fire GeoGestapo (see #2) 
4) Erect shrine to Elle Macpherson in lobby. 
5) Make sweet deal with GeoMark's Girlfriend. Tell her I'm President of the United States. 
6) Give her a towel to clean off with 
7) Re-hire all of the GeoGestapo, just so I can fire 'em again! 
8) Then feed them to hungry pigeons. 
9) Tell now well-fed pigeons EXACTLY where GeoHimmler's newly-washed Ferrari is located. 
10) Wear raincoat. 
11) Hell with it--fire everybody!  Sell the company. Go work for Crosswinds. 

Page Three

Bastard Geo From Hell ©1998 Bill Webb. It may be redistributed, but not for profit, so long as appropriate credit is given.