The Original
Bastard Geo From Hell
(Still a work in progress)

Part 8: "The Truth Is Out There [Waaaay out there]"

Bohnnett must've gotten to work early today and saw our server room...He was having a real SHIT FIT when I walked in (late as usual) and punched myself in. 

"...SO WHAT THE F*** HAPPENED IN OUR SERVER ROOM??!?!?!!!" he was still ranting. 
"Whatever it was, couldn't a-been me...I just got here." Me (BGFH), heading for my office to escape shit-storm... 

"Loundy! Status report! NOW!!" David 

"We have lost approximately 60 percent of our server farm, Sir." GeoMark 
Techs, in unison: "It was Pygmies, Sir! Server-destroying Pygmies." 
"BULLSHIT. I've got the surveillance video in my office." David 
"Um, s-surveillance video? *wimper*" Techs 

"You guys were running around shooting at my servers!!" David 
*wimper* Techs 
"I'd love to see you all roasted on a spit by the GeoStapo!! But I hear they already used you to beta-test the new Geo Torture-O-Matic. So down to business: We can't lose ad dollars due to adserver downtime. If we do I don't get that vacation next week." David 
"But you had a vacation last week!" Techs 
"Silence! That's enough out of you. When you're rich like me, you don't have to do work. That's what YOU simp--er, employees are for. So how long until we get those servers running again?" David 

Techs, in unison. "We'll get those machines up in three hours flat! No problem at all... " 

* * * (36 hours later) * * * 

"OK I think we're almost done... It's booting... didn't hang yet....YEAH! It's WORKING! The servers are UP!!" Techs 

"I'm very proud of you all. You guys fixed the machines before those palsy advertisers even detected any downtime! We told everybody we'd be up in three hours, but, that's Ok. We're GeoCities." David 

"Oh yeah, we control the media, I almost forgot. Say, we can kinda sweep that whole surveillance video thing under the rug, eh?" Techs 

"Absolutely. ...Welp, time to fire up the ol' press machine..." GeoMark 
---Turns on news. [No-one complains about the floating 'GeoCities' logo in the corner of the screen, or the fact that the news agency is now owned by...]--- 

"Hello, I'm your host, Mike, for GeoCNN News. Our top story today, GeoCities just announced that it got its entire server farm running in a mere 36 hours, a small fraction of the time the job was expected to take. We met with CEO David Boneheadt today to talk about this amazing turnaround. Dave?" CNN Mike Monkey 

"We're really proud of our achievement. After that rogue band of roving Pygmies trashed our server farm (contrary to a rumour our legal team was unable to squelch, the farm was *NOT* destroyed by our own techs...that surveillance video was forged, by the way) damned pygmies... Anyway, we had the repair pegged at about seven years' downtime." David Boneheadt 
"That's incredible! I am impressed. No, scratch that, I am simply amazed! This incredible turnaround was truly amazing." CNN Mike Monkey 

"You're right, Mike, this is quite an achievement, we are doing very well...That's why so many lesser companies look up to us. GeoCities is truly an inspiration for the huddled masses. What would they do without our dynamic and innovative Community?" David Boneheadt 
"Gosh, I don't know Dave...You tell us!" CNN Mike Monkey 
"Well what can I say? Who else provides such a rich Community of exquisitely-targeted content to advertise on? Who else provides free Web space, and especially who could ever hope to do it as well as us? At GeoCities we strive to keep each and every of our THREE MILLION members happy at all times...We're the good guys in this hard, cold world. Who else has been met with nothing but overwhelmingly positive feedback? Why, none other than GeoCities, of course." David Boneheadt 
"My, that's very impressive. I wish you all the best of luck in your continued Web expertise!" CNN Mike Monkey 
"Why Thank you Mike. Here at GeoCities we always put our members first. Have you ever noticed, there is not a single critic of our company on the Web? Notice how all alleged critic pages only say 'File Not Found' or 'Error 404'?" David Boneheadt 

"Yes, they all say something like that... 'This page is under investigation', and 'This page has been deleted for violation of our Terms Of Service'. What does this mean, Dave?" CNN Mike Monkey 

"Simple, it says that we *have* no critics. This means that *everybody* loves us. You see? No-one else has such overwhelmingly positive feedback... 


The Bastard Geo From hell switched off the tele with an annoyed tone. "Overwhelmingly positive...", he grumbled. "Overwhelmingly overpriced, they mean. If they spent half the money on server upgrades they spend on harassing their critics..." 

-- (CEO's Office) -- 

"Splendid performance, Mr. Boneheadt! Our overpaid PR staff are really putting it over on the public." GeoTJ 
"Eeeexcellent." David Boneheadt [rubbing fingers together] "We must ramp-up our disinformation activities, even further!" 
"Sir, that means you have to pay the PR guys more. And I know you wouldn't settle for anything less than a cool bil a year. And, the servers are already overloaded with traffic from serving ads...adding any more is just *begging* for a full system meltdown. Where do you plan to get all the extra money?" GeoTJ 
"Oh, guess it's just time to implement ol' plan B again." David Boneheadt [in plush massage chair, stroking white cat] "You know exactly what to do." 

-- 5 min. later, in a GeoTJ Instant Conference -- 

"As you all know, each and every one of you did a mondo-specfabular job on that server issue. That quick going really saved our hides." GeoTJ 
"YEAH!!" shouted the throng. "YEAAAAH!! Gee-OH! Gee-OH! Gee-OH!!..." 

"As a reward, all your wages will be increased from $4.25 an hour to $3.75...." 
"YEAH!!" shouted the throng. "YEAH!! YEAAAAAH!! Gee-OH! Gee-OH!..." 

Someone somewhere in the back, in an extreme moment of incredulity, forgot to disguise his bedaffled facial expression, forgot about the tele and the GeoStapo invisibly peering back at him through the two-way glass. He dared parse his lips and motion, "Hay...Waaaiiiit a minute..." 
Of course there was one less Geo the next day. 

* * * (Meanwhile, in meeting with BxHFH) * * * 

"Hey, I felt like fukn with GC today...Think I'll log in and mess up their logo. Instead of the big capital 'G' I'll replace it with some ugly squiggle with a dot on its forehead (symbolizing the Watermark of the Beast [see Book of Revelations])...then post a message in the GeoForums that it's Geo's new logo!" Mikesmart, of Bastard Homesteader Strike Force 
"Sounds like fun...but wait until tonight. The anonymous proxy isn't up now" BxHFH 

"So? Geo security is the pits! Proxy-schmoxy, I can get in just fine without proxy..." Mikesmart 

"NO don't do that. GeoStapo will get you." BHSF 

"Screw that...there's no way the GeoStapo could find someone that guys are just paranoid. I'm goin' in there nekkid!" Mikesmart 

He logged in, scrawled graffiti on the GeoCities logo on index.html, and logged right back out. "See? I'm still okay..." Then he disconnected from the BxHFH's server. 
"God I hope so," BxHFH 

Mikesmart was soon aware of a low rumbling sound all around his home. He had his girlfriend over, and had just logged off the 'Net and engaged her in a warm embrace. "Nah, don't worry about it. Geo will never find me." he said. 
"Geo will never find you." said she. 
"Geo will never find you." echoed a third voice. 

Instantly Mikesmart was paralyzed with fear. He was at once acutely aware of his present situation. He knew what was happening. No-one, not even himself, had the ability to save him now. 

The rumbling grew louder. Mikesmart then realized what he was hearing. It was the stomping of many boots, up, up the stairs to his 12th-floor apartment. 

"It came from under the bed." Mikesmart 
"It came from under the bed," echoed the voice. "Remain exactly where you are. Do not move. The building is surrounded." 

He was then ordered to stand in the center of the room. His girlfriend was to remain where she was on his bed, similarly motionless. 
(Would it be possible to run, to hide, to escape out the back? Surely there is a chance...) he thought. 

"No, Mike. The bulding is surrounded. Don't even think about trying to escape." Voice 
"This is it," said the girl. "We're dead." 

"You've been dead for three months, you just didn't know it yet." Voice 
The door burst open and about two-dozen guards, heavily armed, tromped in and surrounded them. A very large (and ugly) guard stood directly before him, rubbing the brass knuckles he wore on his right hand. "You will obey our commands. Come with us." 
"Y-yes Sir." he said. (Fuck You,) he thought. 
*POW!* "I Heard that." 
The mechanical voice coming from under the bed launched into what seemed to be some sort of Miranda rights (You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be used against you...)... "You are hereby taken into protective custody in the interest of safety for our society, as a delusional thought-criminal whose mind must be repaired..." The voice barked on, with a staccato monotone not unlike that of a quacking duck, with mention of Big Brother Geo, thought-crime, dissidence, political inprisonment... The actual thread of the voice's speech was a blur to him. These details did not concern him at this point in time. 
The ducklike speak emanating from beneath his bed continued as Mikesmart, bleeding from the nose from the guard's assault, was dragged out of his apartment and never heard from again. 
Score one more for the GeoStapo. 
Now, Mikesmart did not exist. 
Mikesmart had never existed. 


Page Eight and a Half

Bastard Geo From Hell ©1998 Bill Webb. It may be redistributed, but not for profit, so long as appropriate credit is given.