/* GeoCities Main Control Script
*/
/* CONFIDENTAL! FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY.
*/
/* Copyright (c) 1998 GeoProgrammer
*/
/*
*/
/* GeoProgrammer's Note: This code is buggy */
/* as Hell. If Geo would spend its millions */
/* hiring more programmers and less
*/
/* lawyers....
*/
/*
*/
#include <GeoLegal.h>
#include <bureaucracy.h>
#include <greed.$>
#include <lies.h>
#include <damned_lies.h>
#include <Queen_of_Rain.mp3>
#exclude <morality.h>
#declare 2+2=5
#declare Defamation=*
void GeoManagement (void)
{ /* void,void: This function returns nothing and accepts no input
*/
var homesteader=WRONG;
/* handle complaints */
if (complaint_received==TRUE)
{ if complaint.origin==HOMESTEADER
{ ingnore(complaint);
harass(complainer);
}
elseif complaint.origin==ADVERTISER
{ kowtow(ADVERTISER);
kissAssOf(ADVERTISER);
if advertiser.complaintOf==homesteader.site.instanceOf(opinions|criticism|complaints|
useOfCompanyNameNotInAGoodWay|boycott|consumer_opinion|alternate_products)
{ deleteHomesteaderSite(address,Immediately);
deletion.report(ADVERTISER,
"The requested site has been deleted.");
}
elseif advertiser.complaintOf=="AdForce Error"
{ sendmail(ADVERTISER, "We're working
on it."||"We'll look into it");
}
}
elseif complaint.origin==GEOPLUSMEMBER
{ feign.Sincerity;
ignore(complaint);
sendmail(GeoPlusMemberEmailAdress, "We're working
on it."||"We'll look into it");
}
} /* end complaint handler */
/* do what GeoManagement does best */
for (k=0,k>9999999999;k++) { doNothing(); }
if (StarcaftInstalled==TRUE)
{ playGamesOnCompanyTime(Starcraft) }
elseif (QuakeInstalled==TRUE)
{ playGamesOnCompanyTime(Quake) }
elseif (AllElseFails==TRUE)
{ playGamesOnCompanyTime(MineSweeper) }
} /* end GeoManagement */
lawsuits GeoStapo (websites)
{ /* Input for function GeoStapo() is websites, output is
lawsuits. */
do
{ WebCrawl(); WebSearch(Infoseek|Altavista|Yahoo|Lycos|OracleCorporateSecurity,
"GeoCities criticism");
} while GeoCriticFound==FALSE
/* Loop ends when a GeoCritic is discovered. */
harass(GeoCritic); harass(GeoCritic.InternetProviderOf);
/* Now we decide what we'll get 'em for... select
something randomly */
Offense=int(math.random(7));
switch (Offense)
{ case 1: {Offense="Defamation";}
case 2: {Offense="Trademark
Infringement";}
case 3: {Offense="Trademark
Dilution";}
case 4: {Offense="Copyright
Infringement";}
case 5: {Offense="Impermissible
Opinion";}
case 6: {Offense="Libel";}
case 7: {Offense="We
don't NEED a reason! We're GeoCities!!";}
}
response=ThreatenLegalAction(GeoCritic, Offense);
if (response==0)
{ ThreatenLegalAction(GeoCritic.InternetProviderOf,
Offense); }
return (lawsuit);
} /* End function GeoStapo() */
ThreatenLegalAction (TargetOfLawsuitThreat,Offense)
{ char LegalOffenses[300]; long int NumberOfThreatsMade;
long double HowMuchMoneyWellSueYouForIfOurDemandsAreNotMet;
/* Compose the bogus legal threat */
/* Intro (and shameless self-plug)*/
"We write on behalf of GeoCities. As you are
may know, GeoCities is one of the leading Internet hosts on the World Wide
Web"
if (Offense=="Trademark Infringement")
{ ", and is the owner of the GEOClTIES
trademark. As you may know, GeoCities has devoted extensive resources to
protecting and promoting the GEOCITIES trademark..." }
else
{ "." }
if (Offense=="Copyright Infringement") #include
CopyrightThreat.h;
if (Offense=="Impermissible Opinion") #include
ThoughtPolice.h;
if (Offense=="Defamation"||"Libel") #include
DontCriticiseUsOrElse.h;
if (Offense=="We don't need a reason!") #include
PostARetractionOrGeoVinnieWillComeToYourHouseAndBreakYourThumbs.h;
if (ISP.Contacted==TRUE)
{ "Representatives of GeoCities
have previously contacted you to express concern over a web site hosted
by your company, %s (the "Site"). Representatives of GeoCities have also
spoken directly with the proprietor of this site, %s",URLOfCriticSite,NameOfCriticSiteAuthor
}
if (LegalThreat.1st.IgnoredByISP)
{ /* Make up an impressive-sounding
list of violations, using combinations of bogus offenses #1-7 above, and
use these as leverage to make the critic sound like a chronically-lawbreaking
Antichrist while making ourselves and our bogus legal threat sound more
important */
"We believe that %s
has clearly gone beyond what is lawful in a number of areas,
including, but not limited to, the following:
- Trademark infringement,
through use of the GEOCITIES trademark as part of the name of the site,
and use of the GEOCITIES mark in a trademark sense throughout the Site;
- Unfair competition,
through linking the Site to GeoCities suggesting that GeoCities somehow
affiliated with the Site; and
- Defamation,
through the publication suggesting information which is neither truthful
nor within the realm of permissible opinion.
Now that you are aware of %s unlawful activities related to the
Site, you must understand that your continued facilitation of the Site
could subject you and your company to liability for its failures to take
action. Since the entire Site is premised on an infringement of GEOCITIES
mark, we suggesting that you take down the Site.
We would appreciate your taking immediate action with respect to
the Site, and ask that you send us a letter confirming your action by the
close of business on %s." ,NameOfCritic,NameOfCritic,DateWeSueYourAss;
}
if (LegalThreat.1st.IgnoredByCritic)
{ "GeoCities efforts to deal reasonably
with %s have met with resistance and unwarranted belligerance, and in fact,
retaliation. GeoCities tried to politely advise %s regarding GeoCities'
own legal obligation to not allow criticism of its company. " ,NameOfCritic,NameOfCritic;
if(CriticToldAnyoneTheyAreBeingHarassedByGeoBogusLegalThreats==TRUE)
{ "In response,
%s chose to publish the confidential e-mail [bogus legal threat] GeoCities
sent to %s. Such activities, in themselves represent conduct which is unlawful."
,NameOfCritic,NameOfCritic;
}
}
/* Now close the letter */
"This letter is sent without waiving any of GeoCities'
rights or remedies in this matter, all of which are expressly reserved.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Very truly yours,
%s" , NameOfBastardLitigatorHarassingCritic;
/* and send the completed threat */
sendmail(LegalThreat,Critic); sendmail(LegalThreat,Critic.InternetProviderOf);
} /* end function ThreathenLegalAction() */
deleteHomesteaderSite(address,priorityOfDeletion)
{ */ First, Nuke it! */
site.delete(address);
/* Compose deletion notice */
if (Violation.RetaliationForHomesteaderComplaint)
{ #include thankyouforyourfeedback.txt
/* This part may have to be written by hand, or copy-pasted from the "complaints"
script include. */
if (complaint.instanceOf("Advertising"||"GeoGuide"||"GeoPop"||"Watermark"))
{ "In order for GeoCities to continue to provide free web pages, email,
tech support and all of our other services to our members, it is
necessary for us to sell advertising on our site. We hope that you
will support GeoCities in its efforts to continue to provide our services
to you free of charge. "
}
}
"Our guidelines and Members Terms of Service
(TOS) have been carefully crafted to promote the free flowing exchange
of ideas about your interests, activities, and hobbies, and at the same
time maintain standards consistent with the Internet community and the
societies of the world at large."
if (Violation.deletion="Files")
{ "We appreciate your support
and participation with GeoCities, however, some of your files were inconsistent
with our current guidelines or TOS and have been deleted. Please
do not repost them."
}
elseif (Violation.deletion="Entire Site")
{ "We appreciate your support
and participation with GeoCities, however, your site was inconsistent with
our current guidelines or TOS and has been removed from GeoCities."
}
/* Close the letter */
"We encourage you to review the guidelines
and TOS at:
http://www.geocities.com/members/guidelines/
Thank you,
GeoCities Community Response Team
www.geocities.com"
} /* end function deleteHomesteaderSite() */
excuses GeoQueenofRain (complaints)
{ int excuse#; string ExcusesArray[10]={"We're working on
it", "We'll look into that.", "I have passed your request onto %s", "I
cannot give you that information.", "It's a secret.", Your post has been
deleted because %s", "We'll ramp that up by next week, I promise.", "No.",
"Hell no.", "That's not funny."}
excuse#=int(math.random(10));
forum.post(ExcuseArray[excuse#]);
return (excuses);
}
void MAIN (void)
{ /* Call 'em all and let God sort 'em out */
/* Nah, on second thought, just call GeoManagement
and see what gets done. */
GeoManagement();
} /* end MAIN */
/* end of program */ |
