Screw you guys....I'm going home!
Trials and Tribulations of www.microsoft.com
 
 
 
Oh, the agony of it all. I'm in the TSU computer lab, okay? I try to run ICQ off a Zip disk...I know some idiot has deleted vital files from this computer because I get a message MSVCRT40.DLL not found. Bummer. No ICQ. I'm thinking, "Ok don't worry about it, you can get the .DLL from Microsoft's website, and be up-and-running in no time." Cool. So I go there. Ummm...Downloads looks like a good place to start. Let's see.... 
  • Download MSIE 4!!! IT'S FREE!!!
  • Download Visual Whatchamahoozit Only $9999.95!!
  • Download NT Something-Server FREE!! Only 850 Megabytes!
  • ...
But no DLL. So...Go to Search. Search for it. Find a bunch of results that have nothing to do with downloading MSVCRT40.DLL; help documentation and bug reports, etc. Find one that may have a remote chance of leading me to the file I want to download..."Alright," I think to myself. "Now I can keep in touch with my family back home. My ICQ will be running in no time."
I click.

SORRY...YOU MUST REGISTER WITH MICROSOFT BEFORE DOWNLOADING ANY MATERIALS FROM THE SITE. (Nyah, nyah, nyah)

It says "This will only take a few minutes"...So I continue on to the registration form. Microsoft wants to know my e-mail address, home country, language I speak and where I use my computer. So I fill in the necessary information and hit 'Next' to begin my download. "That wasn't so bad..."...
Hello, what's this?? Now they want to know my full name and where I live. (Does this mean they know about that copy of Office I 'borrowed' from my best friend?) So I obediently type in (bogus) info...my name is John Baptist and I live at (they want my street address??) 1234 Main, Afghanistan.

Now they want to know my phone number! WHY do they want my phone number? I don't give out this sort of info to anyone over the 'net, let alone Big Brother Gates Himself. Besides, everyone knows my number is 123-456-7890. *Clickety clickety* done and done.
Jeezus, All I want is one measley little fuckin' DLL!
NOW they want to know what kind of job I do for a living. Um... I don't really do much of anything right now. Unfortunately 'Student/Unemployed' is not an option. Senior Decision-Maker it is. They want to know what kind of organization I work for. A Business. That wasn't so hard. (Hey, as long as you're lying anyway, what's it matter?) Now they want me to type in my COMPANY NAME! What in the Hell makes Microsoft think I would tell them who my employer is, even if I had one. So I make something up (I think it was "Me, myself and I, inc.") ...I just skip the checkboxes about unsolicited mail; if anyone has to deal with it it'll be some dude in Afghanistan.

I click 'Next'.

THERE ARE NO COMPANY RECORDS THAT MATCH THE INFORMATION YOU ENTERED.
Use the Next button to enter your company's information.

GREAT. Big Brother has every single business on-file, and is already checking up on me to make sure I don't supply them made-up information to protect my privacy! (they know me too well) So I try a real company...I know.... I work for MICROSOFT!

CLICK.

We're sorry. You do not work for Microsoft, John. Nice try.
Press 'Back' to re-enter your company information.

With this I say "Fuck It", go to Hotbot, and type the name of the DLL. I find what I'm looking for in 3 clicks, install it and begin happily chatting away on ICQ. The End.

 
Where do you want to go today? I'll give you three guesses where I'm NOT going the next time I need something.

Back