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The Fry Report

Lyons Township H. S.
week of ......

The Fry Report is no longer being updated, due to a lack of time, interest, and unique comments (i've completely run out!) Here it is as I last left it.
Day of week
At-a-glance Fry Rating
Salt Index*
Just another manic-depressive monday, and the fries still suck.
Lovely Salt, wonderful Salt
Not the best I've had, but certainly not the worst.
 Don't ever stop shaking
 Hot and greasy, just the way I like 'em. (Making no parallels to this whole Clinton scandal...)
 Would you like some fries to go with that salt?
 Tastes like rubbing alcohol and jalepeno peppers
2^91 +1 grains
*Salt Index: the amount of salt necessary to make the fries edible

Ketchup info

Day of week
Ketchup Rating
Looks/smells/tastes like...
Battery acid
(Zzerzzit! ZZZnap! Pop!...) Never, EVER stick a metallic object in this ketchup.
Grody stuff, is that even a word?
None necessary, this stuff is just nasty
Actual food??????
While still completely on the subject of LT fries, Shelley and her estrogen-enhanced friend, if you're reading this, "I Dub Thee Unforgiven"! ... Basketball? Speedball? (Those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to Email me at /dev/null)
that stuff you see in really bad 'B' movies
Twice in one week! Murphy is a moron!
Ratings information: =Okay, =Tolerable, =Bad, =Deadly.


LT Food Ingredient lists

How much sodium is too much?


No effects. 5000mg/day No effects. 25,000mg/day Mild sweating, increased thirst. 50,000mg/day Increased heart rate, inexplicable urge to sing country songs out loud. 100,000mg/day Heightened perception and awareness, perceived ability to transcend time and space. 150,000mg/day Extrasensory perception and psychic powers, often accompanied by the feeling that everyone is out to get you. 200,000mg/day Colors are talking to you. 250,000mg/day When skin is tapped with fingers or other object, a distinct 'ping' sound can be heard from blood vessels. Paranoia of something that exists only in your mind, which you call the 'Lunch Nazi'. 300,000mg/day Persons consuming this much sodium can be identified from several yards away by distinct 'crunch, crunch, crunch' sound of heartbeat. Ability to consume large quantities of genetically-enhanced LT ketchup without vomiting.
Recommendation: Cut back when symptoms become too severe.


As long as you're here...

LT's official website
Groaners by Mark Doyle, US History teacher (natch!)

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No animals were harmed in the creation of this webpage. However, 31 students became ill and four were hospitalized after inhaling toxic ketchup fumes. The LT Fry Report is in no way affiliated with Lyons Township High School, LT's official website, or Marriot Food Services, which provides the "yummy" fries which are the topic of this page. The fries, the ketchup and the recipies for the aforementioned may be trademarks of Marriot Foods and/or the Orkin Man. Other trademarks, including 'Lunch Nazi' and all related logos, insignias, and likenesses to Saddam Hussain, are hereby acknowledged. Esta pagina is entirely the property of some guy who calls himself  'Bill Webb' and is not endorsed by Netcom or any of their advertisers. LT Fries are entirely the property of the cockroaches that call LT home and are not endoresed by LT students or any of their stomachs. Close cover before striking. 'Bill Webb' is not a doctor or licensed medical professional, so the sodium intake recommendations listed on this page should be taken with a grain of salt. Furthermore, anyone whose heart is really making crunchy noises should contact his/her doctor at his/her earliest convenience. This page best viewed with a rubber chicken.