Who  Took  My  Condoms?
There's one in every society....yep, you guessed it, a Condom Thief. You've got your safe places, your secret hide-a-ways in your room where you think everything is safe from the many prying eyes that insist on watching your every move and pre-approving your every purchase. So you snuck out to Walgreens after the parents were asleep... if anybody asked, you were there to pick up Atomic Sour Warheads because that's the only place in town where you can get 'em. So you stuck your new Trojans in a remote corner of a dresser drawer, under the piles of junk, pocketknives, spare change...tucked away inside this sports water bottle that you never use. Nobody will ever find them there, you thought.

So how did they find them there?

You don't know who. You don't know why. All you know is that

somebody took your condoms.
And you ain't happy about it, not one bit. You want retribution. You want answers. Most importantly, you want your rubbers. You want to know......

Who The Hell Took My Condoms?


 
The Suspects

Click to dig through my pockets...pervertDEG.
DEG, the Degist leader was in your room today. He knew you had condoms. He was with you when you sneeked out to Walgreens to pick up those...er, Atomic Sour Warheads. He saw you, nervous and sweating, amble up to the grey-haired man working as cashier with your "sandwich"; a pack of blank Maxell tapes and a tin of Altoids concealing a pack of Trojans in the middle...you didn't exactly want to advertise that particular purchase to the rest of the shoppers...Yank a few wrinkled dollar bills out of your wallet and make the transaction with as much chutzpah as was possible for a first-time condom buyer... "Would you like a bag for that?" "Yes, thanks..." DEG begged you to buy some for him, too; he didn't have the guts...then he begged you for just one, just for this weekend... "I'll never ask you for anything ever again, just give me one of your condoms..."

I wouldn't do that if I were you...Rob.
Do you ponder with your hands? Rob ponders with his hands. The same hands he used to swipe your necklace while you weren't paying attention. The same hands that managed to load all your Metallica tapes into his bookbag....thankfully you recovered them by looking through his bags while he was off playing around in your room...probably the exact moment he was grabbing that neck chain...
 

 
Click to frisk Tracy for your missing TrojanTracy.
Okay, not your first guess as the Condom Culprit... You always thought she was the Good Girl, who didn't drink smoke swear...and would never find a use for a condom. Besides, she's never seen your room anyway. But you know, she's kind of had this thing for you lately...
 
Careful! This sucker could be booby-trapped.Lisa.
She wouldn't need a condom, no... at least not when she's sober. But after a couple piña coladas (or wine coolers:) you never know... You know she's had her eye on that guy, her friend's boyfriend Bob for some time now...and of course that other guy, Bob's friend who likes to do the Bouncey Bouncey in the booths at Giordano's Pizza.....

 
You probably won't get far without the super secret password
Bugman.
Bugman is always after your supply...whether it's a few spare bucks or that Burrito Supreme that you tucked away in the false bottom of your fridge. Then again, he wouldn't know you had condoms unless bigmouth DEG snitched... DEG!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 

Warning: Don rubber gloves before proceeding.
 
Eric.
Maybe Eric "Shoe Loser" has your condoms. Him and DEG are inseperable. If they weren't both guys you'd swear they were dating. That and the black lipstick that DEG always comes home with after a visit to Eric's house....
 
Napster BAD!James Hetfield.
Yah Right you liar. James Hetfield was not in your room today. Heavy-metal megastars are not known for randomly walking into peoples places of living and snaking their rubbers. Nor are they traditionally known for teaming up with wanna-be white rappers (wiggers) or suing their own fans, but that's another story.
 
 
 

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