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Jobs at HitlerCities
If you are a Homesteader:
You already have a job, silly! It's to make content and provide for us, your masters. (Read carefully over the TOS agreement you signed; you'll se we 'jobbed' you real good.) You are to slave for us without pay or compensation of any sort, other than a full Guestbook and hit-counter with a number higher than 00000. (Whether all those guestbook entries you've strived so hard for are all to the effect of "All those HitlerCities ads on your site crashed my computer!" or "What's with all those ugly floating brands?!? Get rid of them!", is none of our concern.)
For everyone else:
HitlerCities has many exciting job prospects for you. Just look over these exhilarating job offerings and see if any are right for you!
Community Cleansers, Content Managers
There is always room for more dynamic and motivated individuals in this area. You can be a Community Cleanser or Content Manager (Reich Chamber of Culture), helping to keep HitlerCities clean and weed out potential threats to our profits and/or public image.
When you become a GeoStapo agent, you get an impressive selection of firearms and your own (camouflaged) company car! You use both to stalk and harass our critics as well as their friends, family and ISPs. GeoStapo have very flexible hours and are licensed to kill! (Before becoming part of the GeoStapo, you must be tested by our resident psychological team to ensure that you do not have any underlying morality that may affect your productivity.)
HitlerCities Trademark Enforcers
Have you ever wanted to get paid to surf the 'Net? Then consider a job as a HitlerCities Trademark Enforcer! You crawl the web, searching for critics of HitlerCities and anyone who uses our name and/or corporate logo in an unflattering manner. Then you get to draft and send an authentic-looking lawsuit threat from our "legal department", a 12-year-old down the street with Microsoft Publisher! And you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have done something good for the benefit of mankind by shutting up a HC critic.
Haven't you ever come across a website you didn't like and wished that you could force the provider that serves it to remove it and revoke the account of the writer? Now you can! When you become a GeoCensor, the Web is your oyster. You control every host and every ISP, and can get anyone you don't like kicked off, at sheer whim! This of course includes any HC Critic...
Coffee Technicians are in charge of operating the coffee brewing equipment for the rest of the HitlerStaff. You will oversee every step of the brewing process from development to delivery. The Coffee Technician must know every member of the HitlerStaff and where they can be located, that the coffee may be delivered promptly and efficiently.
Your job as a HitlerCities Server Tech is to sit around and...that's it! Just sit around! When a server goes down, your job will be to sit around and watch it happen. When we experience network problems, it will be your responsibility to make up some excuse to placate the homesteaders and explain to them, "That's supposed to happen." Your job will also include keeping the coffee machine in tip-top shape if the resident Coffee Technician is unavailable.
HitlerCities programmers are trained under the Darwin Principle of Computer Engineering: that all computer programs are the result of random mutations in previous programs. Your job will be to randomly introduce errors and extraneous text into the programs that run HitlerCities, until you by sheer chance hit upon something that is cool and/or works! From this 'evolved' program you will do the same, to create a still more evolved program, etc.
No experience or competence necessary! Knowledge of structured programming will also be optional, however, extensive experience and expertise with GOTO and 'spaghetti code' are required.
General Management means sitting in a large, plush office with not much to do. Your primary duties as a HitlerCities General Manager will be to beta-test the donuts, ensure the quality-control of the coffee (the Coffee Tech heads that department), ignore all customer complaints and deposit such material in the proper receptacle (garbage can), and play Quake seven hours a day.
No company is immune to problems. So when something does go wrong, somebody has to step in to make excuses and redirect blame to the appropriate departments (usually referencing another planet). This is where Script Managers come in. They manage the scripts that are used to explain away problems and convince customers that these problems are figments of their imaginations, as well as serve public-relations functions such as disinform the public and squelch talk of any problems (in cooperation with the folks in S.S.)
Lateral Transfers Manager
The Lateral Transfer Manager is in charge of shuffling all HitlerCities (non-productive) employees to other departments where they will remain equally nonproductive. Incompetent Coffee Techs are demoted to Programmer, etc. The laziest and most incompetent bums usually end up in Management.
The Advertiser Response department is designed to appease Advertisers in any way possible, and bend over backwards to keep the Advertisers really, really happy. For example, if there is a page (on of off HC servers) that an Advertiser doesn't like, Advertiser Response is here to ensure that we get the offending material nuked within 24 seconds to prevent any Advertiser from becoming even the slightest bit angered.
The Secret Keeping department is to keep advertising info, articles about the FTC investigation of us, Community Cleanser 'private' agendas, etc. out of the hands of our homesteaders. Forbidden info includes any information on disabling our Waterstain or CrashAds, new advertising gimmicks we're planning to spring on our little members, and just about anything else we'd like to keep private (such as the testimonies and editorials of those we have GeoCensored).
Espionage Assistants are to keep watch on our competitors, noting everything they do and brainstorming on possible ways to subvert it. They are also to threaten lawsuits (like Trademark Enforcers) against any competing companies that try to implement advertising-gimmick programs similar to ours, such as pop-up ads and waterstains.